The Masked One

A re-post : To a Special someone, of whom nobody but I shall know of.

2011-07-03T03:21:00.003+08:00

The crystal rose,
Beauty that rivals Gaia,
Resilient to nature,
Alas, fragile to the touch.

Glittering proudly in the rays of the sun,
Beaming ever so resplendently,
Smiling ever so majestically,
Mirroring the joys of the world.

Glowing ever so gently in the moonlight,
Crystals of light illuminating the smooth petals,
It casts a gentle aura,
As if soothing the world to sleep.

I could only desire for such beauty,
To gain the right to stand alongside it,
Protecting it altruistically,
For its presence, shines but a gentle ray of light in my heart.

But alas, such desires can hardly come true,
For it could be me,
My own hand, the one which desires to gallantly protect it,
The one to shatter it, disintegrating it into dust.

As time moves on,
Only I have withered old,
But the crystal rose forever stands,
Untouched by nature.

Soon I bid the world farewell,
Whilst darkness envelops me slowly but surely,
The sight of the crystal rose is burned into my eyes,
Still displaying its splendor and majestic rays.

For my crystal rose,
I would have died to protect you,
But I would have definitely died more,
If the unthinkable happened.

I leave now,
Whilst always looking out for you,
From wherever I am,
I pray time does not harm your beauty

In pain.

2010-04-27T16:27:00.000+08:00

Down with a serious sickness.

The one known as laziness.

Apart from the "wounds" that I already have too, laziness just adds up to me lying in bed all day long.

Besides, too hurt to move anywhere.

Hurt physically, and also elsewhere.

Feel so alone.

Lol.

Look at me whine.

Tired.

2010-03-07T20:06:00.001+08:00

I'm hurt and tired.

Very hurt indeed.

:'(

Posting!

2010-01-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

Wargh.
After weeks and weeks of having Miss Meanie (a.k.a Adlin Sabrina) laughing at me non-stop due to my misadventures, I finally got out of that dreaded place somehow. Freedom from HTA! (But you've still got 18 months to go!) <- I'm pretty darn sure she'll say that. While laughing too.

Oh teh evilness.

Nice posting I got. At least I've got a chance to upgrade myself lmao.
Now I guess my travelling expenses will be...
Holy crap. Above 50 bucks in a month. Guess I should get that bus pass thing eh.
Got some things to ponder, Zul got himself a girlfriend, Fuad became someone's eye candy.

And I'm almost half gay thanks to being in a room full of guys for almost 6 months.

Wtfruit.
Nothing much to say about my squad, just that we weren't united much even from the start.
So I didn't get any heartaches or whatnot when we left, apart from the constant heartaches I get from Miss Meanie, who's always laughing at my misfortunes practically all the time. >_>
I'm sure there'll be a day I'll get back at you. Muahahahaha~

Okay, so I lied about not missing anyone from my squad.

Maybe I'll miss my bunkmates, and a few of my buddies.
Those whom we've shared biscuits with... (Yes, Zul, I do share my biscuits. Shaddap.)
Slept through the night with... (Apart from the ones snoring like some broken truck that can't start up.)
Whom we've laughed with... (Especially the one who farts when he laughs out too much. Thanks for the air pollution.)
Those whom we've had misfortunes with, especially the episode of cleaning the toilet. -_-"

I'll update more when the time comes; my stomach's growling like mad.

2 Weeks till I'm out!

2010-01-09T09:25:00.001+08:00

2 weeks left till Passing out Ceremony...
Freedom from Home Team Asylum! :D
Can't wait.

Will update more later when I have the time.

1 month plus to POP!

2009-12-13T09:15:00.000+08:00

Updates, updates!

1 month plus till I POP! (Popcorns anyone?)
I see myself in a 8 - 5 schedule thing once I POP.
Oh well, life in NS ain't that fantastic, nor too boring, but things are looking up.
I'm still reeling in pain from the shooting practice (with my right shoulder in disarray thanks to the injury.)
My next strengthening physiotherapy session's gonna be done by a student from NYP.

Oh my.
Hope she doesn't "yoga" my arm out of normal boundaries.
Or I'd end up being Dhalsim! (That's from Street Fighter, if you are wondering..)
In any case, my lil bro did well for his PSLE, so yea.
Rewarded him with a M18 game.
Nyehehe.

It's not what you think it is.
Got him L4D2. (Left for Dead 2)

On a random side, my poor pal didn't get his date during prom, I'm thinking that she'd must have freaked out or thought too much on that one question.
Oh well, life sucks, but not at all time.

Pull up yer pants and move on dude!
Err..
Or pull yourself up and move on!

MC!

2009-11-22T10:45:00.000+08:00

So sorry for the lack of updates lately... Been too busy with whatever I'm supposed to be occupied with.
Well unfortunately for this week, I ended up having cough, flu, fever, sore throat..
(Sounds like H1N1, yes?) xD
But fret not, for I am just diagnosed with the normal fever.
I know you all are worried about me right? Aww that's nice of you. :D
/shameless

Anyway, it appears that my right shoulder has officially been "repaired", and it's functioning at optimal performance. No more creaky old squeaky painful shoulder anymore!

So yeah, with that, also comes a bummer.
I won't get to see that hot physiotherapist anymore! T_T
WHY?!
/emo till the next paragraph

So yeah, my IPPT's coming, and I'm certain that I can't pass it thanks to 2 months of inactivity and no PT.
From 8 pull-ups till I can't even do a single one now.
But oh well, things are looking up.

Who knows I could be posted as an office boy.
(Wha? Wait, me? Office boy? Doesn't suit me one bit now, does it? Adlin's probably going LOL when she reads this.)
Yeah, but then again, it'll be a 8 - 5 job, with ample opportunities for me to chase my educational aspirations.

So, I'm gonna sign off for now, and get some rest.
Do take care people, and never, ever, overwork yourselves.

Sunday!

2009-10-25T12:19:00.001+08:00

Oh well.
Back at home, it's a Sunday morning (or afternoon), and here I am alone yet again, at home.
Buddies called up asked me to join them and their girlfriends out for a movie, but I think I'll be a bloody lamp post hahaha.

Next week, they have something like that yet again.
Anybody wants to join me as my "date"?
Lmao!
Yeah, tickets on me.

Kwang kwang kwang~

Back on track, I'm recovering so far, and physiotherapy's been great.
I had a really hot therapist for my first session...
But for my second one, I got a male therapist instead.
Meh, darn it. Killed my raging hormones there for a few hours.

I wonder, how's life for you all out there?
Great I hope?
I feel darn lonely, to be honest.
Oh well.
Do stay in touch yeah.

Target

2009-09-17T16:12:00.003+08:00

Life's always unfair, sad and sickening.

We always complain of the unfairness in life.

Has it killed us so far?

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Well, who are we, in the first place, to be on the receiving end of whatever it is that we desire?

I, for one am utterly upset about whatever that has been going on lately, but as we all know, life goes on no matter what.

5 years from now, I hope to have saved up enough to be able to fly far away.

Within these 5 years, I have to find myself, improve and enhance my capabilities as much as possible.

Failure is not an option, and even if it kills me, I'll do it.

I won't have time for myself, nor for others.

A target, is a target.

That is what I live for.

To hit my mark.

Back Home, 1st Book out.

2009-09-15T01:24:00.002+08:00

Back home, 1st book out.

NS life sure was "fun".

I really think I'm gonna burn tons of my weight away into nothingness.

Bah not that drastic though.

Turns out my stamina ain't that half as bad as I thought it would be.

Too tired to carry on, I'll go rest first.

See ya guys.

The Crystal Rose

2009-09-07T22:29:00.001+08:00

- I wrote this some time back.

Best that I'd post this up here as well.

3 Days left.

2009-09-05T13:57:00.002+08:00

4th September 2009.

I kept my promise.

So don't feel sad or bad; nothing you could have done about it anyway.

To my cadets, I had a blast while I was there with you all.

SNCOs:

Thanks for the farewell wishes.

All the best.

You reap what you sow.

It has paid off, hasn't it?

NCOs:

Don't give up.

It's not the end.

Being able to see you all up till the last few days is definitely the best farewell gift already.

Well, on the 7th I'll be having dinner with OC and the TOs.

Now, for the upcoming 8th September 2009.

Ironically, as the day draws closer, I feel much less of anxiety.

Or am I not feeling anything at all?

Feels exactly the same as yesterday, last month, last year, last decade.

Just another phase of life one has to go through, that's all.

So, from that day on, if everything goes according to plan, my 5 year goal plan should start.

So a new countdown shall start, in place of the 8th September countdown.

After reading a particular card from someone, I took a step back, and for a change, analysed myself.

Seems like I've been wearing masks for as long as I can remember, and for some reason, I ended up wearing multiple ones, forgetting to take off the last one that I wore.

I tried removing them one by one, till my fingers grew weary.

And finally realised that I had already clawed deep into my own flesh and blood; not even recognizing what was under the last mask that was taken off.

I ended up forgetting what I looked like in the first place.

Perhaps I did lose myself back there somehow; not that it matters anymore from this point on.

To me, what's done is done, and only the results and goals matter most.

Objectives, goals, targets.

The 3 different words, in sight and reading, but ridiculously similar in definition.

Have you reached your objective?

Have you reached your goal?

Have you hit your target?

Don't they sound ridiculously similar?

Now I exist only to reach my own objectives and goals.

Amazing how the world goes around, covered with so many different layers of the same thing.

Pandora's Box

2009-08-23T00:06:00.001+08:00

The Pandora's Box was opened, unknowingly.

Fine.

I'll be the one to take it to the grave.

Ai no Zuellni

2009-06-09T13:49:00.003+08:00

拝啓　貴方は　誰を想っていますか
この「手紙」はまだ胸の中
突然　触れた　貴方の記憶のカケラ
心に刺さって動けない

気づいてほしい　気づかないで
冷たくするのは　恋のせい？
伝えたいよ　そばにいてよ　でも…　言えない

汚れた　この世界で　貴方に出逢えたよ
私の心に舞い降りた奇跡　奏でてください　愛のツェルニ

再生　始めた　運命に導かれて
彷徨う貴方は　蜃気楼
近づくたびに　遠ざかってしまうの
陽炎に揺れる　理想の未来図

聞かせてほしい　聞きたくない
優しくするのは雨のせい？
わからないよ　信じたいよ　まだ…言えない

輝く　その未来に　貴方が微笑んで
隣に　私がいるのなら　強くなれる
疑い　嘘ついて　すれ違ったとしても
本当の言葉を忘れないように　そっと綴ります　愛の「手紙」

汚れた　この世界で　貴方に出逢えたよ
見つめて　悲しいほど強い　その瞳で
戦い　傷ついて　眠る貴方の夢に
私の想いは届くのでしょうか　教えてください　愛のツェルニ

Dear beloved,
Who are you thinking of?
This “letter” is still within my heart,
suddenly, it touched the fragments of your memories
pierced in my heart…

I hope you take notice…no don’t notice!
The thing making me act cold…is it love?
I want to say “Stay with me!” but…I can’t say it…

I met you in this defiled world,
showering my heart with a miracle, please play for me
“Zuellni of Love”.

Rebirth has begun, leading us to our destiny.
The wandering you is just a mirage,
when I get closer, you get further away…
swaying in this haze…are my ideal plans.

I hope you’ll let me listen…no, I don’t want to hear,
The thing making me gentle…is it the rain?
I don’t know what I want to believe yet…I can’t say it…

Glittering in that future, is you with a smile,
if I can be by your side, then I’ll become strong,
Even if I use a suspicious lie, even if we disagree,
in order to not forget my true words…gently I write then down
in this “Letter” of Love

I met you in this defiled world,
looking at sadness with those strong eyes,
hurt from fighting, you sleep into your dreams.
I wonder if my feelings will reach you, please tell me
“Zuellni of Love”.

Such a beautiful song.

Lowest Point in My Life.

2009-04-22T17:04:00.003+08:00

Nobody probably comes by here anymore anyway, so I guess this is one of the only few places where I can write my heart out, and still keep in silence, for never have I been seen with such a sad face with a heavy heart.

In the many years have passed, I've always been seen as someone who always smiles and says: "大丈夫, 大丈夫! (daijoubu, daijoubu! - it'll be alright, it'll be alright!)".

Today, (probably a few days back too) the words; they echoed in my head for so long.

So long until I grew weary about it.

Weary of how much longer do I have to endure this.

Tired of how after so much that I've gone through, I started with nothing, I still ended with nothing. How sad it was that end of it all, I still had no friends, nothing changed. Not even precious memories to even keep.

Was it all for nothing?

Why do I still find myself suddenly feeling so lonely?

Many "slices of life" have I seen, and sometimes, just sometimes, I really wonder why was I not born with such luck?

I distinctly remember; I said that I would valiantly fight against fate, and make my own destiny.

Some were born in much more less fortunately than I have been.

運命 - うんめい　(unmei) - fate, destiny

I told myself that I would fight against it and find my happiness.

But the events of life have been wearing me down.

More than often I look around me and I often find myself to be lonely.

More than often I look around and find myself in various situations that I did not ask for.

More than often I look around and realise that I do not deserve these undesirables.

But why?

I always tried to believe that I would always be stronger from all these.

I always believed in it, but now why is the exact opposite happening?

Why do I feel like I want to just take the easy way out?

Just why did I lose the spirit to keep on moving?

What am I lacking?

I do have plans.

I do have dreams.

Laugh all you want, I even do want to have someone special to be with me.

Someone innocent, cute, shy.

OR it could be,

Someone outgoing, cute, fun loving, honest.

True they are extreme opposites, but that is what I would want my dream girl to be.

I don't mind short hair, I don't mind shoulder length hair too.

I don't mind her being short.

Just someone to spend my time with, to have fun with.

Just someone to be with.

I really feel sad being alone.

Really, I do.

Sometimes I wonder if it seemed that I wanted to be alone.

わからないよ。。。

I really don't understand it at all.

I'm at a loss on what to do.

Suddenly, I just feel so indecisive.

Confusion, sadness coupled along with it, brews disaster.

I pray, pray, pray, pray, that my life gets better in all aspects.

Please God, help me like how You always have helped me.

There is only so much that a human can do.

I hope, hope, hope that my life gets better in all aspects too.

That I will get even stronger and better.

That I will perchance find the one for me, and erase the loneliness that I feel.

My social circle will grow too, I hope.

At the very least, that will definitely erase the loneliness that I feel, in a different way.

For years now, I have not been seeking love, for I have been told that love comes to you; you can't go to love. (Directly translated from a Japanese saying.)

Nevertheless, it is within my goals to

A) Remove the title of フリーター AND NEET from my life.

1.Work and save up enough cash so as to:

i. Engage myself in Educational training and aim for a Diploma in Computer Engineering

ii. Get myself a better paying job as a result, and save up more cash.

iii. Eventually work for a degree in within the field of my studies.

B) God willing, by then if I have found the one for me, I will work hard to support the family, and not repeat the mistakes that my own father has made.

C) Ensure that I have my own savings at all times, in case of rainy days.

D) Last and not least, work towards my dream of going to Japan.

To all that consider yourselves to be friends, buddies and acquaintances, do this man a favour, pray and wish for his success.

In return he will pray and wish for your success too.

Hate me!

2009-02-28T18:35:00.001+08:00

Hate me for what I am.

Loathe me for what I will be.

Fear me for the future.

Forget me for what I was.

For the record, I don't freaking care.

Back again.

2009-01-11T17:15:00.001+08:00

Sorry for that long disappearance.

But finally I'm back!
(Actually I came back a week or so ago..)

Wow I just woke up and I just have to blog about this.
Peculiar dream.
Damn.

Lol.
Yeah, I kissed someone. Weird dream huh.

Will update more about what happened so far, how it happened and why it happened, when I have the time. ^^

Focus.

2008-12-12T11:55:00.002+08:00

Hit the sack.
Aim for the target.
Won't be able to see properly soon.

Left eye blurring out.

I expect to go blind in left eye anytime soon.

Who cares, still got my good eye.

From perfect vision to zero (soon), all in a timespan of 20 years.

Screw this eye thing.
Got my focus back.
After losing it since sec 2, found my focus and determination to start studying again.
Hope I make it in time.

Power.

2008-12-08T00:07:00.002+08:00

I look around, I don't see much which excites me.
I don't see anything which is in colour.
Feels cold.
Feels strange.
Feels so human, to not appreciate and not understand.
To deny, to err, to criticize, to accept without conditions.
Those are the fatal flaws of humankind.

We question the limits of physics and try to transcend the boundaries set by God.
We question, we hope for answers.
We cross the boundaries, we get punished.
Only then we understand.
After which, we appreciate.

Then we dream.
Dreams bring about ambitions.
But ambitions bring about greed.
Greed brings about hatred.
Hatred brings about suffering.

All the hatred in the world, why?

I'm not about to start preaching about worldly matters or whatever nonsense it is.
The world can just spin off into the sun for all I care.
But one thing I will state right here in my blog is, I am sick and tired of whatever that is going on.
Miscalculations which screwed up my plans.
The undeniable divine interventions which always appear in the strangest times.
Conditions that can never be cleared.
Worse still, human emotions which make me lose sight of my goals.
Not just mine, but every other person as well.

I will not deny that it is easy for me to read certain people like an open book.

Is there no end to this lunatic world gone wrong?
Should I keep on wearing this mask, and just die with it?
If only I had power.
More power to change the world.

Random.

2008-12-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

Why think so much about things that you can't do anything about?
Why run away when you can take a slow step ahead each time?
"The closer you get to something, the tougher it is to see it."

Back from Chalet.

2008-11-30T10:11:00.002+08:00

Back from PSL Chalet.
Was fun, and it was definitely a break which I needed from my hectic lifestyle in school now.
Fuad and Zul came down, and we crapped the hell out of one another.
Well I was merely there to enjoy myself, plus take care of the ladies that we in the chalet.

Their parents put the trust in the "Adults" of the chalet to take care of them, so... Yeah.
Well, I found out a few things about myself when I spoke to Frisha, (Sorry if I spelt your name wrongly.) Syazwani, and Farah.

I realized that first and foremost, I should get rid of this hair.
LOL.
Second, try to definitely keep my cool and be nice, to guests and stuff.
Well, I am nice, (I think.) but apparently something pissed me off big time.
Fuad knows, he was pissed too.
I blew a fuse because of that, and ended up going to the arcade to shoot out some undead monsters in Silent Hill: The Arcade.
Spent only 2 credits each.
Yep, completed it again, and I went nuts and gun blazin' during the final boss.
Fuad was like, "What the fruit? So fast? What you do sia."
I was just merely smiling away like the mad maniac I was.

Well, while watching over them while they slept, I realised I was missing something.
And, also I have yet to thank the person who made me realise it.
Well, the thing is, I'm really bad at expressing my feelings of sincerity and stuff like that.
It's hard for me to say thanks, and for the person to really feel it.

After all, people have been saying that when they stare into my eyes, they feel the coldness and emptiness in it.

-.-"

Let's just put my current problem as this;
I can express my feelings through actions, but I can't do it through words.

What if the person is oblivious about my actions, and relies on words to understand it?

Wahahahahaha.
Randomness.

Sonata Musim Salju

2008-10-31T11:00:00.004+08:00

"Bagaikan siang tiada mentari
Bagai malam tiada cahaya purnama
Tanpamu tiada erti hidup berdua
Ke akhir masa kau ku cinta

Bagaikan syurga tanpa bidadari
Kau ibarat hembusan nafas terakhir
Pulanglah sayang usah kau berpaling
Di sini ku pasrah menanti"

"Like mornings without the sun,
Like nights without the moon,
Without you there's no meaning of being together,
Till the end, you'll be the only one I'll love.

Like Heaven without angels,
You're like my one last breath
Come back my love, don't you turn away
I'm here awaiting you faithfully."

Sorry for the rough translation.
I was bored.

Parallel World

2008-10-23T16:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if there truly is a parallel world.
Another world where everybody's exactly the same, but in different situations.
If I could, I would go over to the parallel world and see how's life there for me, and what has changed.
I'm sick of this world sometimes, but it's good to know that I do have friends around me at times.

But when I'm all alone, that's when I really... Really feel sad.
Whose voice will I hear this time?
Whose voice will it be, to be the one to reach out to the world deep inside of me?

Sigh.

I feel lonely.

2008-10-21T20:27:00.002+08:00

"Under the watchful skies, each of our days come and go.
Under the sparkling stars, each of our thoughts light up the city.
I'm only feeling bored, but it makes me cry...
I don't realise what I always think.
Yes I hear you, yes your voice...
It reaches the world inside me.
Acting tough, unable to be honest, never seeming to get anywhere...
But the most important thing is the reality...
Of you here with me..."

I feel lonely.
:(

Tired.

2008-10-13T23:43:00.002+08:00

Once again, I find myself, without heading, without goals, without an ending.
I really feel tired.
May I please, please rest?
If not eternally, perhaps for a while?

Oh God, end this miserable life which can do nothing more, but attract more misery and pains to himself.
Seriously, I am falling apart mentally.
Sigh.

Rei's spoilt laptop.

2008-10-09T13:06:00.002+08:00

What a night yesterday was.
Heh I never thought I'd end up actually finding that same someone to talk to on MSN lol! Don't forget our "date" hor. ROFL.

Then Rei just had to call me up and ask me to fix his laptop right in the middle of the night, while I was having fun talking to her.

Aye. Thanks ah Rei.
ありがとうございます。
(Arigatou gozaimasu.)
That's right people. I TYPE Jap words.
Mainly hiragana, I can't memorize the thousands of katakana yet.

Here, let me break them up into parts for you.

あ - a
り - ri
が - ga
と - to
う - u

ご - go
ざ - za
い - i
ま - ma
す - su

Put them together, what do you get?
ありがとうございます！
(Arigatou gozaimasu!)
(Thank you very much!)

-_-"

Okay back to what Rei did.
A day before he called me, he accidentally spilled carbonated drinks on his laptop keyboard. So yeah, it'll take 1 whole day for it to short circuit the connections in the keyboard, if you didn't wipe it dry. So yeah, his keyboard is badly damaged, and now he's on the way to Acer Building to get a replacement keyboard.

Any of you out there who needs a computer repairman, please do call yours truly.
I don't overcharge, because my service charges may be as cheap as 5 dollars to 30 dollars, depending on the kind of repair. ^^
(Trust me service charges of that rate are almost impossible to find nowadays.)

6th Oct.

2008-10-06T17:53:00.006+08:00

2002 hrs

Life sure is funny shit.
Had a great chat with someone.
I didn't know she went through the same things as I did.
Felt better when I talked to her, and for once, today I smiled because of what she said haha.
Thanks babe.

Highlight of the conversation:

Her: "There's still many fishes in the sea."

Me: "I don't view girls as fishes you see. ^^
They're not just fish out on the sea, just waiting to be caught.
I believe they're beautiful beings, shrouded in mysteries.
And it's up to us men to unravel the mysteries and win their hearts.
That's why i don't go around dating girls anyhow."

She said I'm the first guy who said that.
But really that's what I think.

Hope to see ya real soon, the outing and the BBQ.
Let's spend time and enjoy it.
I'll pray that God returns your kindness in tenfolds.
=)

1753 hrs
Today just happens to remind me of the day you left me standing there all alone.
Reminding me of how it felt to be lonely.
I don't know, it just came back.
But I don't know if it'll be here to stay.

Anybody wanna accompany me and take my hand?
Lead me out of the darkness I'm in?

*************************************************

Secondhand Serenade - Like A Knife

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life

*************************************************

What a memory.

2008-10-02T22:35:00.002+08:00

Yeah, it could've easily been our 3rd month.
Haha I don't know, don't ask.
I just got reminded of you.

7 days of not updating.

2008-09-27T18:01:00.003+08:00

Been 7 days since I last updated this blog eh?
I guess I really ended up with nothing better to do, always lying in bed, coughing my lungs out.
Lol wish I could scream my lungs out HAHA.
Oh well, slowly but surely we'll see how things go for now.
I took the courage and re-read whatever my blogposts were for the past 2 months or so, and I did realise a few things that I didn't initially.

Oh well, let's just let it pass.
A big thank you for those who helped me out.

Psst... Help me further, and intro me to gals lah. LOL.
Just kidding haha!

Am not despo hor.

It's time for me to stop staying at home, and start going out.
Enjoying life for real this time.

Nothing much to say.

2008-09-20T10:27:00.002+08:00

1828 hrs
I've decided that I want to give up on relationships for now.
I'll revamp myself, or rather, go back to who I was, every part of it.
Looks, style, and even my way of talking.
No point being warm and nice all the time.

1025 hrs
Erm...
Nothing much to update I guess.
I feel so "free" and lost.
Any ideas on how to tackle this, people?

Moving on, one step at a time.

2008-09-17T12:07:00.006+08:00

2134 hrs
My health's taken a turn for the worse.
Ever since the sad events that happened to me, I've been coughing non-stop.
Now it just got worse; after my meeting with an old overseas friend, Andrio, I found myself coughing out blood on the way back home.
From Queenstown till Tampines.
2 packets of tissue wasted, with blood spots everywhere on it.
I distinctly remember my mom saying: "You may not be crying, but your heart is crying."
I guess my heart really is crying, but I numbed it too much?

Yeah, cough till blood comes out.
Why can't I just die.
Sheesh.

1025 hrs
I guess there's nothing much to do nowadays.
Hoping that she'd pop online lol, I don't even know why.
I guess there's a part of me which still wants to be just friends.
But I don't know if she feels the same way.
It's best to assume that she doesn't?

They say what goes around comes around.
I swear I don't want the same shit which happened to me to happen to her.
It's not nice.
I do pray and wish that God gives me the will and strength to get over this, and I am proud to say that I'm coping well nowadays.
I pray that she'll have a good life, and that she'll someday meet her happiness.
I know she eventually will.
I just pray she stays safe, she and the whole family.

I gave it my best, I gave it my all, there is nothing I regret.
Even the tears that I've shed, it's only for the sorrow I feel that I was unable to keep my promises to her, because she disappeared.
Oh well, life goes on.

Time for a bright new start.
If old memories come back, I'll gladly welcome them, with a smile.
Always.

...
And to think the first song she ever sent me was from Eyes Set To Kill - Darling.

Don't lie
Don't lie to me now
Now I'm erasing you
Throwing those memories out
Out to start something new
I'm throwing those memories
Darling
Don't lie to me
Darling don't
Breathe in slowly now
Darling don't lie to me
Breathe in slowly now
Darling don't lie to me
Inhale truth I plead
For you're my only hope
Don't lie don't leave
Mind set on failure
The road you chose
Told me you loved me
Told me no
Take your time I'm only dying
Patiently I kneel here dying
Curse the blind you curse the blind
Deep inside is where it lies
Don't mind me
I'm only dying
What got me into this mess that devoured me
Lies and deceitful actions keep promising
Darling Don't Lie

Kiss Me Goodbye. Farewell Lynn.

2008-09-16T00:19:00.008+08:00

Angela Aki - Kiss Me Goodbye
(For those of you who don't have the song, please do take it from here if you want.)
It's a beautiful song.
It's just for that special someone who still holds a place in my heart.
Strangely and somehow.
I really guess it's really goodbye.
I'm floating away now.

Angela Aki - Kiss Me Good-bye

You say my love is all you need to see you through
But I know these words are not quite true
Here is the path your looking for; an open door
Leaving the worlds you long to explore

Go if you must move on alone
I'm gonna make it on my own

Kiss me goodbye for love's memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

As time goes by I know you'll see; this of me
I loved you enough to let you go free
Go I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky

Kiss me goodbye for love's mystery
All of my life I'll hold you close to me
Don't shed a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

Kiss me goodbye love's memory
You put the dream in my reality

*********************************************
I don't know, still.

Sad memories.

2008-09-13T11:47:00.006+08:00

Matchbook Romance - Promise

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and these dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy...

Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know, you're not making this easy

You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy

I fall asleep tonight, cause that brings me closer to you...

*********************************************

I recall her telling me that when she listened to this song, it touched her and made her cry.
Now it's making me cry at times.
Haha.

Crying because I might not be able to keep my promises to her.
Wish I could.
Oh well...

"Let's leave a bit of our important memories here.
It'll be too heavy to carry them all across the sea.
And the next time we meet, let's joyfully reminisce on these memories.
If we successfully leave them here, we won't drown or get lost and can always meet back here."

That is, if you want to meet back here.

I've made up my mind.

2008-09-12T11:12:00.003+08:00

1255 hrs
If I die tonight, I go with no regrets.
If it's in your arms, I know that I am blessed.
If your eyes are the last thing I see, then I'll know the beauty heaven holds for me.

By chance, I came across this saying on a blog which belongs to my bro.
I had these words too, in my mind, and there were meant to be said to a certain someone.
But I guess I won't have to say it. Not for now.
Because I can't.

1027 hrs
Sorry, but I ain't desperate.
Whatever I did back then a few days back was merely sudden acts of "desperation", because the feeling kept on pouring back into me.
I'm sure everybody has it at times.

I'm fighting it hard now.
The feelings of desperation.
Sorry, not desperation, but rather the sudden urges to do desperate things.
Like the sudden urge to tell you things.
I'm actually fighting the feelings of loneliness.

I'll be the man who I once was, before everything like this happened.
It's only a matter of time.

I still don't know what's going on though.
But I wonder, do I have to know?
It would be nice if I did, though.

Girls, is it that hard to just really tell the truth sometimes?
Even if you know your man would be able to take it?
Is it?

I wish you would still keep to your word and tell me someday.
Sadly, wishes and hopes don't always turn out the way you want them to be.

Freak Songs!

2008-09-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

Freak songs from Dick Lee!
Check it out.
Lol.
Comic relief.

Still thinking of you.

2008-09-11T11:49:00.004+08:00

1723 hrs
I don't understand why you seem to be trying so hard to forget me when I didn't do any wrong. Even Danny thinks so too, my dear Lynn.
Your own brother.
Even he blames you; your own brother.
He didn't see any wrong which I did.
Those who knew us, even though it was merely online didn't see any fault with me.
They all pointed everything to you.
Not to comfort me.
But truly pointed it all to you, citing claims that you didn't treasure me enough, you didn't care for me enough.

But NOOOOOOOoooooooooo.
I refused to believe them.
I believed in you. Put my trust and faith in you.

I don't see how me being patient with you could have put me in the wrong.
Every time you stood me up on our outings, I forgave you and pretended it never happened;
Every time you needed time, I gave you time;
Every time you needed assurance, I gave you assurance.
Every lie that you told me, I forgave them before you found out that I knew.
The sledgehammers of truth kept on pounding me.
Kept on slamming me with full force, trying to hurt you and me.
I protected you all around, taking the blows.
I didn't listen to it at all.
I believed in you. Put my trust and faith in you.

I don't see why this suddenly turned tragic.
I really wish you would just tell me in the face what's wrong.
This silence kills me.
But I don't know if you even care at this point in time.

But it's okay, I understand you have your reasons for doing things.
You had your reasons on why you let me make you happy for 2 months.
I truly felt the love between you and me.
Did you feel it too?

Or did you felt like I was a boat perhaps?
You were sad, probably scarred by your past or something.
Saw this wonderful raft which was floating along your river of despair.
You got on the raft, because you didn't want to drown and die.
It kept you safe, kept you happy.
Then you were happy, and suddenly you decided that you wanted to get off this raft.
Because you suddenly decided that you didn't need it anymore.
Without even saying a word of thanks.
You just left as mysteriously as you came.

But I refuse to believe that.
Because I trust you, and have faith in you.

If only you knew, that your silence hurt me a lot.
I don't know if you even read my blog anymore.
Sometimes I wish you would understand the kind of pain you put me through.
But still, I don't hate you.
I understand you probably did it for a reason, which you feel is justifiable.
Thanks for picking me up, lifting me up with hopes so high.
Then letting it smash all the way down like broken pieces.
Is that what you felt in the past?
I feel sorry for you. I wish I could have helped you forget your past, my dear love, if the past really haunted you.

I'll pray for your happiness always, my dear Lynn.
Pray for you that you'll find the man of your life.
And pray that someday, your pains from the past will truly be forgotten and erased.

1032 hrs
I find myself still thinking of you, wishing that you would still be here.
Sigh.
Wishing I had the answers.

Damn it!

2008-09-10T09:51:00.013+08:00

1230 hrs

1012 hrs
DAMN IT!
Today was supposed to be an important day when I'd finally get all my answers.
Goddamn it. Ends up the server is updating and that means that I probably won't get my answers soon because of the "slow" update.
And her laptop which is connected to the server might end up giving the dumb HTTP_SERVER_STATUS_ERROR thing.
Gah.
Maybe I might have to wait for another day or so.

2pm today, I was supposed to find out what went wrong and finally get a CLEAR answer.
Yes, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I do NOT work based on assumptions, or silence.
Mine was like: "As suddenly she came to me unannounced, suddenly she left too, without a word."
Remember ladies, because when you stay silent, guys don't know what is it that you're actually trying to tell us. It's not that we're not absolutely stupid to not get hints, the thing is, there is always something which doesn't add up somehow.
If we really end up NOT getting it, how about just telling us what it is in the end?
Same goes for you, if we guys were silent, you'd never know what we want right?
Silent breaks are the worst kind of breaks ever, it gives the guy/girl no head or tail.
He/She would have to fight within himself/herself, trying to either convince that he/she did a bloody huge mistake, or he/she wasn't even at fault.

Take me for example.
My last msn chat with her seems like it ended okay, although it started off rough, with her saying "I don't know anymore..."
Now we all know that means something is very, very wrong.
But it ended "sweetly" with the <33 ya and i promise not to let u go darl.
The next thing I know, we hardly sms, I mean when I do, she doesn't reply at times.
And after how I got stood up after the outing, of course it would only be natural for me to get frustrated.
I already was there at Choa Chu Kang.
I knew it was her who smsed me.
Ah let's not talk about this.

Getting back on track, she said it'll be okay, I'd see her at Bukit Panjang Plaza.
Things was looking pretty good ya know.
Then suddenly she DISAPPEARS.
Without a trace at all.
Perhaps it was my message which said to her: If you want me to stay, please reply. If I don't get a reply by 10pm, I'm guessing that you want me to go.

Okay she didn't reply, and I'm a moron for probably not getting it at all.
But now considering the way my final msn chat ended like that, and how she agreed to meet up but suddenly decided she couldn't come? Now something doesn't add up right?

That is why I am seeking a clear answer.
I want to hear it from herself.

Even if the feelings ended abruptly as it suddenly started, please give the guy/girl some form of respect and understand his/her feelings. Just tell him/her!
I know it'll hurt the person, but trust me, it's best for the person to know rather than being kept in the dark. Do you people know how damaging that is for the soul to be kept in silence and in the dark? Some of you may go: "It's better to not know things at times!" but trust me, even you know that's a lie. It'll eat away at your soul until you can't take it too, then you probably think about it yourself. And that will kill yourself more. Brings you back to the point that you wonder if it was your mistake or if it wasn't. See? It's a vicious cycle.

Oh my God.
I didn't realise I had all that kept in me.
It's the frustration that I didn't know how it ended.
Not the anger that she treated me this way.
I am not angry at her for doing whatever she did to me.
She probably had her reasons.
I already forgave her and I don't hate her.
I just wonder why it turned out like this.

I just want to be either this: "Status: Attached" or "Status: Single".
But right now I'm more like: "Status: Indeterminate."
Because I still don't know what is going on.
Although yesterday I was sort of forewarned that it's really bad news, but I'd rather see it or hear it rather than "guessing" it.
That's why I'm waiting for 2pm.

Indeterminate

Not accurately determined or determinable.
imprecise or vague

Bleah.
I'm a fucking stupid moron to not get hints maybe.
Either way I wish her the best in life.

Lost control.

2008-09-09T13:37:00.003+08:00

I lost control of my emotions yet again today, but this time, it got worse.
I smsed her what I really felt.
Oh my God lah, I swear it sounded despo.
Zzz.
Argh!

First message I sent was asking her to give me a chance to gain her trust.
Why trust?
It was because she did say that she found it hard to trust people.
Probably because of what happened in the past?
Past as in, not me and her, could be something else which happened to her?
It could be something to do with her ex?
As such she found it hard to trust me.
She hasn't met me or anything like that...
That's why she found it hard to trust me yet.
But she said that she loved me still.

Sigh.

THEN.
Being an idiot, who truly felt his emotions were overruling him...
I started crying.
Suddenly I felt regret.
Regret that I sent her the sms on Sunday, asking her to reply me by 10pm if she wanted me to stay or go.
She didn't reply, so initially I assumed that she wanted me to go.
But it suddenly came to my mind that she did keep on asking for more time.
Why didn't I give her that time?!
Yeah, so I cracked and smsed her my entire feelings. -_-"
Kept on apologizing to her for sending that sms and said that I still loved her.
I asked her to reply me or something because the silence was killing me, and that I felt like dying.
It was as if that message was sent to her to let her know what I feel.

WHY DID I EVEN DO THAT?
ARGH!
I have never reacted this way before.
I realise that I really do love you.
I don't need you, but yet I WANT you.
But why is this happening to me?

After I calmed down, I smsed her again, saying sorry for not being able to control my feelings.
I told her that I cried and.. That's why I lost control.
Sigh.

Why is this happening to me?
I don't know if she even does read my blog anyway...
Sigh.
Sigh sigh sigh.
Wish I could say: "I love you manymany~! 8D" to her and get the same reply once more...
But as of now, it seems as if she's shutting me out, or she's thinking, or she's taking time off, or...
Gah I don't know.

Wish I could turn back the hands of time and perhaps made things better.
Better in what way?
I swear I have no idea.
I guess there is nothing I can do anymore.
Hope she feels the sincerity, that this man wants to make her happy and help her gain trust back.
But if she really wishes to decline my feelings for her, I really hope she'd tell me instead of keeping quiet. I'm really dumb at times that I cannot infer from silence.

After all, silence could mean many things.
1) "I still need more time."
2) "I don't know what to say or do right now."
3) "I want you to stay, but I don't know how to say it."
4) "I want you to go, but I don't know how to say it."

Please, tell me if this is the case.
If it is, just sms me. This is ridiculous.
Even if you have to, just use the template.
Like: 1.
Or a mixture of them, e.g: 1,3.
Or 1,2,3.
Or 4.
I won't ask why.

... Why am I even doing this.

Day one.

2008-09-08T10:10:00.003+08:00

2034 hrs
Wish I could turn back the hands of time somehow.
I want to wait, but I don't want to be a nuisance to her if she wants me to leave.
Well she didn't say a word...
So I'll leave...?
But this heart still wants to stay.
It wants to be happy, not alone, but with her.
ARGH I'M UNSTABLE.
I'll keep on blogging out my feelings.
I'll spill it over and over, here and nowhere else.
Please drain me of emotions, oh God.
I know I do love her, but I don't want to be a nuisance to her by waiting if she really wants me to leave.
Please give me the strength and guidance oh God.
GOD SHOW ME A SIGN?
PLEASE?

Goodness, I'm pathetic.

1053 hrs
Hmm...
I'll admit it here, I do feel sad about how it ended.
I didn't want it to end.
Not this way, not ever.
But oh well.
All I wanted was an answer, if she wanted to carry on with the way things were going.
All I wanted was just to see her, even if she turned out to be different from the picture she sent me.
All I wanted, was just for her to be in my arms, and us wearing the same rings together, spending our lives together till we drew our last breaths.
But now, it turned out like this.

"FayeFaye~
I'll be yours if you'll be mine~
All the way till the end of time~"

I guess there was a reason why the "if" was there.
If she's not mine, I can't be hers.
Bah stop thinking about it.

Let things come naturally to me.
It can be anything.
All I have to do is just pray, hope and stay strong.
That's the best I can do for now.

It's over.

2008-09-07T09:01:00.009+08:00

2257 hrs
You truly are a beautiful mystery, Lynn.
Even towards the end, I was greeted by silence.
Wish I truly knew the person behind the name FayeFaye.

"Dengan hati yang ikhlas, telah ku lepaskanmu, kerana hatimu bukan lagi milikku.
Kasih sayangku yang ku curahkan dengan tulus ikhlas padamu akan ku ingati selalu.
Engkaulah yang aku cintai.
Terima kasih, kerana telah membahagiakan kehidupanku.
Sentiasa akan ku doakan kebahagiaanmu."

With honesty and a pure heart, I let you go, because your heart isn't mine any longer.
My honest and loyal love that I once showed and gave you shall be remembered always.
I really loved you.
Thank you for making me smile and making my life happy.
I will always pray for your happiness, no matter where you go.
Never will I forget you.

Even though you never did tell me anything in the end...
I have forgiven you for everything that has been done.
Have a great life, Lynn.

So ends another chapter of my life.
I feel lost and do not know where to go.
But I believe that many things I have learnt from this.
I sincerely do hope and pray that she will have a good life. ^^

1525 hrs
"Dengan hati yang ikhlas, akan ku lepaskanmu, jika hatimu tidak lagi untukku.
Kasih sayangku yang ku curahkan dengan tulus ikhlas padamu akan ku ingati selalu.
Engkaulah yang aku amat sayangi.
Terima kasih, kerana kamu telah membahagiakan kehidupanku.
Sentiasa akan ku doakan kebahagiaanmu."

I seek your forgiveness for asking you if you wanted me to stay by your side, or if you wanted me to go.
It seemed as if my presence was throwing you into confusion and doubts.
As such, I have decided that you should choose, even if it might end up hurting me.
I only want the best for you, and only you know what is best for yourself now.
I want you to know what you want, so that you won't have to feel confused anymore.
If you truly want me to stay by your side, I will do so faithfully.
I will be with you till I breathe my last if you will allow me to do so, and if you will do the same for me.

I will be waiting until 10pm for your reply.
If you want me to, I will be by your side and we will make things work out.
If you need more time, just say so.
I want to keep my promises to you.
I want our dreams to be a reality, eventually.

If you do not reply then I shall take it as you want me to leave.

But no matter what, always remember that whatever you have done, shall be forgiven.
You will not be forgotten, no matter what.
Thanks for the great times we both had during the times we were together.
All the best to you in life, Lynn.
My prayers and blessings go out to you always. =)

1048 hrs
I don't know why.
I still do...
I still want to...
She made me feel different, and the happiness I experienced with her...
It isn't just virtual reality is it?

God damn it, am I in denial?

I still am waiting for your answer.
Do you want me to stay or go?

I understand perhaps you lost your feelings.
Or maybe you did, but you didn't know how to tell me.
I'm giving you the easy way out, just answer me and tell me if you want me to stay or go.

You told me to give you some time, you are afraid, you will overcome it yourself.
I still want to believe that you will overcome it.
You told me: What if it turns out bad? I don't want it to end... Not like this...
I still want to believe in that.
If you'd allow me, I want to keep my promises to you.
I don't know why I am like this.
What did you do to me? T_T
I really cry at times.
I feel that I really want to be with you, but it seems as if you don't want to be with me anymore.
You said you wanted to be with me too.
But now, you are confused, and now your confusion is causing many things.

I believe that you too, are human.
You too, have feelings.
This man is human too, like you. This man has feelings too, like you.
Would you kindly spare him a thought, and answer his question?
He feels tormented, and he wants to seek closure.

I won't wait forever this time.
I'm sorry, but I can't.

Question marks.

2008-09-06T09:17:00.006+08:00

Okay.
This month has proven to be one of the toughest so far that I've faced.
And it's only the beginning of this month. T_T
Shit lol. Everything falls down on me during my exams.

Update:
In the end, she didn't turn up.
I guess she really wasn't ready.
I lost my mood, I didn't go with the rest of them to the outing.
Almost fainted while waiting for her; I was fasting, and I walked far.
From Tampines to Bukit Panjang. It is far.
Ended up spending the day with Akira and Pink.
They consoled me, but I knew what I wanted.

But all that does not bother me.
What bothered me was the method she used to tell me she wasn't coming.
You don't have to go out with me if you're still unsure.
You know I'm willing to wait.
If you didn't want to come for the outing, IT IS OKAY.
I do not know how to tell you that it really is okay with me.
There is always another time, if you want.
Well, I don't know anymore.
I am probably as confused as you are right now.
If you are reading this, I want you to know that I am sorry too.
I am sorry that I spammed your phone with calls, hoping you'd pick up.
Somehow I knew you wouldn't pick up.
I just hoped you would.
You ended up switching off your phone at the end.

Call me naive, call me a fool for believing so much, but my promises to you, I meant it.
My faith, my trust, my honesty towards you, I meant it too.
You know, back then it felt so real.
Just us, blissfully together.
It was real, wasn't it?
What was it that came along and disturbed our peace?

Perhaps if it seemed as if I was too serious, I'll admit it here.
Yes, I am serious about you.
Serious as much as how a boyfriend would be to a girlfriend, only in that stage.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I didn't want to scare you off by becoming TOO serious.
If it were to move on, then I would bring it to the next level.
But I guess you didn't see it.
Did that scare you?
I don't know; you never did tell me.

You told me you love me.
You told me you don't want to lose me.

I told you that I love you too.
I told you I don't want to lose you either.

I don't care that you didn't come for the outing; I don't know how to tell you this when you don't really reply to my smses.
I just hope that you do read them.
I forgave that you decided to actually not come.
I forgave everything wrong that you did to me, all that I knew about.
I am not blind, Lynn.
I do know truth from lies at times.
But I quietly forgave and forgave countless times.
Pretended not to know anything and just smile, for you.

Friends bombarded me with things.
Out of the faith and trust I had in you, I shook them off.

You said I was different.
Yes, you are different too.
You picked me up, saved me.
You loved me.
You helped me out of the darkness.
That's why I gave my heart to you.

You said: All the times we spent in cabal won't go to waste.
You said: Our dps are sad, there's only you in yours and me in mine. I wanna make it have you and me in my dp.

Sigh, I don't know anymore.
What is it that you want?
More time?
Sure, I'd give you all the time you need.
You just gotta get back to me, no matter what the answer is.
Just tell me the truth.

Even if it would be the final message, just tell me the truth.

Day 4 of Silence.

2008-09-05T11:37:00.006+08:00

2320 hrs
I'm scared.
Or just feeling stupid.
I don't know.
Off to bed and off to sleep then.
^^
I hope tomorrow, we'll forget about everything and just have fun.

1447 hrs
Just got back! XD
While on the way to the mosque for my Friday prayers, she replied.
"Yes I am. I don't wanna miss out the guild outing."
I found myself giving a silent prayer and thanking God.
Finally, things are gonna move once more.
I'll be going over to BPP at 2pm tomorrow.
Gotta make sure I reach there on time.
Guess I am afraid too.
I too wonder, afraid of what.
Wish I could sleep and just wake up, and it's 10am tomorrow. ^^
Hope darl's alright by then too. 8D
I hope any fears would be gone by the time tomorrow is done.
Love you manymany baby~!

1003 hrs
We'll see how things go tomorrow.
Yep, tomorrow's the guild outing.
I'll wait for her tomorrow.
Still waiting for her reply.
Guess she's busy or something right now.
Yesterday was fine, I guess.
Hope tomorrow will be fantastic.

Sometimes, I wonder, what's with the fear?
But it's okay, I guess I understand.

Day 3 of Silence.

2008-09-04T10:08:00.004+08:00

Patience, perseverance, faith.
I have hardened my resolve.

Thank you darl, for that message last night.
Remember my promises to you, and have faith and believe in me.

That's all I can say today.
Have a great day everyone.

Day 2 of Silence.

2008-09-03T09:33:00.018+08:00

1810hrs
I sat down, thought about things, many things.
(No, I'm not thinking too much.) Only thought of what I had to think of.
What I was sure about. Sure that if I showed that I cared, she'd stay.
What I was afraid of. Afraid that if she thought I cared too little, she'd go.
I thought I could see clearly, but I was blinded. Blinded by love, actually.
I can now clearly see; how I've been, I did too much and moved too fast.
how people around me have been. I did not see it initially, for I was blinded.
Who needs what and why. She has a life, and needs time for her ownself too.
If I did too much, or I did too little. I worried too much. I realise it now.
Things I've nailed down, and now I realise it. Yes I have. I'm sorry.
There was one elusive word that eluded me the whole time.
Perhaps suffocation is the word. I'm sorry if you felt this way.
Time to do what I must.
Now I understand. I really do.
I truly am sorry darl. I love you.
Sorry if my care and concern seemed as if it wasn't giving you time alone at all.
Take all the time you need, my love. =)
1152hrs

Edit: There's an add-on to yesterday's post at the bottom for darl. <33
(Just in case you missed it.)

Today is mommy's birthday!
It definitely sad to see that she has to work on her birthday.
Wish I could make things better for her somehow.
She always told me ever since I was a child: Be a good son, be a good husband, be a good father.
Be a good son for yourself, be a good husband for your wife, and be a good father for your children and my grandchildren.
She doesn't want me to repeat whatever mistakes my father did.
The least I can do for her now is to keep my promises; I don't know what to get my mom for her birthday today.
Like every year, I sit down and spend time with her, but this year's different.
She has to work this time round, so I can't spend time with her.

This is going to be an emotional entry; I am crying right now as I'm typing, remembering and appreciating all her sacrifices, and I can never thank her enough for giving me strength time and time again. She has never failed to be by my side ever since the day I was born.
After all the things that happened, she still is standing and guiding me.
Her patience is something that I can dream of attaining.
I definitely inherited her personalities of patience, understanding and trust.
Unfortunately I got my dad's "asking / thinking too much part" which is what I am trying to kick out as soon as I can. (Well I did, a certain aspect of it.)
She has always been the wind beneath my wings, pushing me higher up to soar as high as I can.

This year's Ramadhan is particularly an emotional and sad one for me too; this year it is just the siblings together breaking fast, with my dad back at home sometimes. Mom's working.
Mom's beautiful face isn't there for me to look at before we eat.
Mom isn't there to smile at me and help scoop the rice.
It's just really sad you know.
Every year it would always be us.
But this time..
That's why this year, I will get stronger and get past every obstacle that is thrown into my way.
I'll show her that everything she has taught me shall be put to use.

We've went through so much together mom.
Thank you.
Happy birthday my beloved mother!

- Sometimes, you just cry because you feel helpless, that you can't do a thing at all.

But the truth is, it's not that you can't do a thing at all, you still can pray, hope and wait.
Having faith, trust definitely helps out with the patience.

That's what I'll do.
For you, and for me.

Usual Crap Updates.

2008-09-02T12:32:00.034+08:00

I feel all messed up today somehow lol.
Saw my darl online yesterday (or early today?) and we talked about stuffs. ^^
It's study day today!
Tomorrow will be "sit-down-do-nothing-wait-and-laze-about" day!
And that shall be the plan until...
Things get better? What things? You know? Do I know? Keep on guessing. =P
Okay fine, not laze about everyday, but only laze about when I've got nothing to do I guess.
Or find something better to do. Lol.

For now:
Must study Principles of Dynamics, my nightmare subject.
Darn why do I feel scared that my Networking Fundamentals also maybe supp.
Aiya... T_T

Must..study..harder..
*vomits blood*

Ehh wait cannot vomit blood now.
Batal puasa nanti. -_-" ( If not my "fast" today will be broken.)
WHAT?!
Goodness super broken English.
Tsk tsk tsk. Horrigeble, Terrigeble, Vegetable, Timetable lahh.
(Darl came up with the timetable part LOL.)

I want to be free soon!
What's the point of holidays when you still have to study and worry.. T_T
I want a holiday with nothing on my mind at all.
Think of it, with nothing on my mind.. Sounds as if I'll be there with no mind at all.
Hmm. at least nothing WORRYING on my mind at all.
Heh, how's that.
I want to go out after fasting month. -_-
Super no mood nowadays.
Don't really know why though.

Or maybe it could be because I have nothing better to do sometimes lol.
Maybe I'll go play my guitar while I'm bored, or write another song?
Hit the gym once more and start going hardcore and forget everything else?
Or just go sleep? Then again, I think I'll go sleep.
I'd be nuts to hit the gym now.

Random updates:
Everything at home seems better now, with everything calming down.
My brain absorbtion of notes suddenly went up by a lot; yes that means I understand my notes now. Why couldn't I have understood them like right before the main papers? -_-"
Yesterday was rather boring. Almost scary too.

Every fasting month is a lesson to me somehow.
Makes me learn patience, control, understanding and respect.
"Know WHAT to do, and WHEN to do it." - My new motto.
Obviously, the inverse applies.

Before this utterly rubbish post ends, I shall leave with a few words of random stuff.

"Remove thyself from the steed. Too much haste makes waste."
Aye! I cried in concordance.
Back to where thy came from, dark noble steed.
Thou hath hasted me too much, until it blinded me so.
I could have missed it!
I shall now walk the earth unhurriedly with my faithful pair.

That concludes today's crap post.
Rock on y'all! \m/ >_< \m/ 2 days of fasting down, 28 days of blessings left.
$_$ soon. nyehahahahaha... I'm kidding. -_-
I'm sorry, now I understand.
I really do.
I hope things will be fine for you and me soon.
All I can do is just faithfully await your return, my love.
End of today's post!
See ya people next time, in my next episode of...
Fine. Utter crap. Lol.
Goodnight everyone!

P.S Happy 2 months to us both darl.
I love u. <33
No matter what happens, I'll be strong always, just for you.
I really love u. <33

The aftermath of chapter 1.

2008-09-01T10:35:00.005+08:00

Well, things are back to normal, I guess.
For those of you who were wondering what that last post was all about, it's nothing.
Those of you who know, it's okay.
I chose this path, and I believe that I won't be the one to let her down.
I want to make her happy always, and feel loved always.
I know too much of a good thing is bad too, so don't worry about it. ^^
I will know when to give some breathing space, when to back off and stuff.
I know I'm still green in this, but still...
With her, I'll be fine.
Thanks for everything people!

To those of you who screwed me over and over on the phone about the matter, I appreciate your concern. I didn't know how to answer you guys back then, so I shall do so here.
Really, and I'm not sarcastic lol.

You guys kept on telling me things like:
"Shah, she's proven me right too many times for me to believe that she will change, and I don't want you to get hurt."
My friends, let us just look at this matter this way.
I believe we're still adjusting to each other.
I do not want us to move too fast, nor move too slow.
Lessons do have to be learnt, both for her and myself.

"Why do you still trust her?"
My friends, I believe in forgiveness.
My religion taught me forgiveness, kindness and compassion.
My natural instincts has forgiveness in itself.
Forgive and forget is always a sign of being benevolence.
To love someone, is to trust that someone.

"You're being too selfless for her, you think she deserves it?"
One answer: Yes.
One reason: I love her.
I trust she won't take me for granted.

Why am I blogging all the above points?
I do not wish to keep things in my heart all the time, and this is where I let out things.
Besides, I believe that I would like to answer you guys here rather than talk about it.
I know that probably it was my mistake to let her have felt that I was too "there" for her, till she probably felt like: "Oh, he called/smsed." instead of: "OMG it's him!"
No matter what, I hope you guys can feel it, the faith, the trust, I have in her.

Today marks the first day of the fasting month, and I will spend my first day of the Holy month by saying this:
My patience, trust, sincerity and honesty for her is really there.
God has blessed me with the patience, trust, sincerity and honesty to be with her.
She's special, loving, sweet, funny, caring, naughty and above all, she is what she is.
She touched my heart, and that's what matters most.
Her promises and warmness really moved me.
We picked each other up, from the tiny bits and pieces and made our hearts whole once more.

Ahh...
Fasting month's here now, and here I am, having my holidays.
I want to see her soon lehh. T_T
But since I'm fasting, there's gonna be quite a number of restrictions on things that I can do.
Oh well, guild outing's coming on the 6th Sept, which is this Saturday.

Plans:
I'll be waiting for her at Bukit Panjang Plaza at 2pm on Saturday.
Nervous, probably. But really, it'll be cool that she's coming.
I'm really super hyped up knowing that I'll see her there!
So we'll probably talk and have a little fun before heading out to Vivo city. We should be able to get there by 3pm, then meet up with the rest of the cabal guildmates.
We'll be watching Wall-E (highly likely).
Then off to break fast at approximately 1908hrs.

Wonder what happens after that.
Home perhaps? Or...

Why am I so hyped up about this outing:
1) Finally get to meet my girl! <- The main and only motivating factor!
2) Catch up with old guildmates, and see HeavenHell for the last time...? <- He's off to NS.
3) Well it's enjoyment after the exams, after all. But won't be much of an enjoyment if something goes wrong.

I can only hope and pray that nothing goes wrong.
It'll definitely be a huge blow to me if anything went wrong.
I'll see you guys there this Saturday then!
See ya too baby.
<33 8D

It's okay baby.

2008-08-30T10:23:00.007+08:00

It's alright baby.
It really is okay.

I'll respect your wish and leave you alone for now.

No matter what happened or happens, I love you.
I really do.

I'll be patiently waiting for you.

FayeFaye~
I'll be yours if you'll be mine~
All the way till the end of time~
I promise.

Bad night with Lynn on MSN. T_T

2008-08-28T11:42:00.002+08:00

Dynamics paper over...
But die liao, I know I have to take the supp paper.
I flunked the term test. -_-"
I have to clear it if not I'll be in deep trouble.
Really deep shit lol.

Yesterday wasn't really a good day I guess, something rather bad happened at the end. =/
I could have made her mad or upset or something.
It was just curiosity, but then again, it's my fault for asking.
I do respect and understand rights and privacy.

It was solely my intention to help you solve that problem with the computer, not to probe things from you at all.
Yes, I am only writing this because somehow I am propelled by guilt, only because it seemed as if I tried to find out what I'm not supposed to know.
I shall say this once more, that wasn't the case.
It won't happen. At all.

I do respect privacy, and rights.
I am terribly sorry if it seemed that I was trying really hard to probe, but I was merely asking for the sake of asking.
Nothing more, no other intentions.

It does not matter to me what background you were from, or what your past was.
The past does not matter to me.
I know you for who you are now, I love you for who you are now.
Not for who you were, or what you used to be or used to do.
That's why I don't really care about the past.

I just want a clean slate with you to start anew, our story together, taking one step at a time, walking together hand in hand, hearts together as one.
Just us, and nothing before that.
Nothing before that ever matters.
Just us right now, and the future.
Let nothing of the past haunt us both.

Lol okay it seems emotional.
It's not, it's just what I feel, and all this time, I didn't know how to say it.
But now I do know how to say it.
^^

Yet another depressing post.

2008-08-27T17:04:00.003+08:00

Apocalypse Guild outing's in a week's time.
I wonder how it's gonna turn out to be like.
Hope it's gonna be a good one.
I wanna see my darl really badly. ><
Nothing's gonna turn out bad I hope.

Gahh hope.
What a word.
Brings you so immense strengths, but can brutally crush you too.

Sorry I haven't been updating much, just been feeling down nowadays.
Could be tons of things in my head, but I don't know.
Sometimes you just feel..
Nevermind.
No appetite to eat nowadays too, wondering this and that.
Ultimately I decided I'm taking things one step at a time, and take things as how they come. No point rushing I guess. Haste makes waste, they say.

Is this for real?
I know I am for real.

Bad news! T_T

2008-08-25T12:29:00.003+08:00

I really want to see her.
And she told me she does want to see me too, very soon.
I wanna hold her hand.
I wanna make our plans come true.
(I said plans, because plans will come true and they will happen! Dreams are... Well, sometimes they don't happen at all. I'll make mine and hers come true.)
I wanna hold her in my arms tightly, spending the night under the stars with her, whispering in her ear, how much I love her and how much faith I have in her...

T_T
We planned already for the guild outing and a little bit of our own outing coming soon...
She was hinting to me that she would want to meet up with me real soon...
Although the date wasn't set yet, but it was said to be before the guild outing...
Next thing I know, her laptop and her hp gets confiscated by mommy because she came home late on Friday...
T_T
I'm hoping and praying so badly that things will turn out alright soon...

The last time we was about to have a guild outing, she couldn't come...
Back then, she told me it was her dad found out about me and her.
She told me while she was in the shower, I smsed her, her phone rang and her dad read the message...
(Yeah, some dads do that alright, and I know of a few who do...)
Daddy tried to take her phone away, but she rebelled.. In the end she got grounded.
I ended up with an empty seat next to me during the movie. T_T

I pray that both mommy and daddy will cool off in time soon enough.

You said: "darl, be strong please."
Yes dear, I will stay strong again once more, each time, everytime, for us both.
I won't fall so easy darl.
I won't ever forget my promise to you the day I gave you my heart, and the day you gave me yours too.
My promise and hopes for our future together shall always be keeping me strong.
Just as you told me you'll fight for it, I want you to always know I'm always right beside you, fighting alongside with you.
Always will be.
We'll stand strong together through the test of time, and come out of it together even stronger.

I guess I'll wait till things are alright once more, then finally we'll have our happy moments together forever.
Nobody can ever replace you in my heart, and nobody can do better than you can in taking my heart away..
<33 you manymany lahh darl! 8D

Usual updates.

2008-08-22T14:17:00.007+08:00

The past few days have been pretty great for me.
MSN-ed with darl, tons of crap came up lol!
Reminiscing about the past, how we met up and how we are right now...
Even "those" bits too eh? =P
It's amazing how things turned out to be.
It's like as if I can finally say that life is turning out right for me in this point of time, whenever she's around.
She's so... Precious to me.
She's my princess~!
Words can never describe how much I feel for her.
I really do love her.
Nothing can ever break the chains of love which has bound me and her together.
Not even fate..
I won't allow it.
<33 8D
I love Lynn always~!

Good news!

2008-08-19T23:16:00.005+08:00

Random updates before we get on to the main topic of this post today:
"weeeee~ new roads from me and u~"

That was my darl's personal message on her MSN since the 18th August.
Caught me by surprise, but it certainly brought good news indeed...
She feels that she might want to meet up with me earlier.
Date and time not set yet.
I believe she will set the date and time when she is free.

She was probably cooped up with studying and occupied with online gaming lol.
Sometimes I feel the same too lol. Like as if my life only revolves around studying and online gaming... That sure sucks.

Sadly, she's been having a headache since this morning... T_T

Good news indeed eh? XD
Can't wait for her to tell me when lol. =X

Okay back to the main content of my post today.

The 2 weeks of "re-defining Anthony" started just now.
I gave him 3 questions:
What you want...?
Who you want...?
Why you want...?

I also told him, patience does not come from within yourself.
Patience does not come from your own heart.
So... Where does the patience come from?

I'll leave you readers guessing the answer. If you know, post it up on my tagboard.
Get it right, I'll have a little something for you... xD

Oh, I'll be writting a short novel soon about all my online adventures with my friends soon.
I'll post up the link when the mini book is done. ^^

Tell me what you think Trust, Transparency and Respect means too.
Anthony got the first 2 right, but last one wrong.
Will update further on my views regarding this.

Till next time, GOOD NIGHT ALL!

Blaze flying off to lalala~ land to meet his darling FayeFaye~!

Taking things for granted?

2008-08-17T08:59:00.004+08:00

To my friend, Akira, and whoever who wants to read this.

Often, people take things and other people for granted. They do not realise the true value and appreciate them while they're still here, but they only realise it only when it is gone.
By then, wouldn't it be too late?

It's sad, but that's one of the harsh truths in life.
Akira, that is one of the things I believe in. That is what makes me understand people, or why I put in effort to try to understand them. I may screw up here and there, but I assure you, it is only out of sincerity of trying to understand them. Yes, maybe I try too hard; we all do at times. But I do back off the moment I realise if that's the case.
Unknowingly to the person, it shows the person that I am not taking the person for granted.
If we take people for granted, we won't be able to see true "value" of the person. We would be blinded by the fact that "Hey, no matter what, he/she will always be there for me!"
That is one of those delusional thoughts which appear when one takes another for granted.
To my friends reading this, ask yourselves this:
"Am I sure that he/she won't ever walk away from me?"
If you feel that he/she won't, then ask yourselves this:
"Have I really done enough for the person to be sure that we'll be together always?"
Doing enough means, giving in what the person gives you in return.
Overdo it, and the person will end up taking YOU for granted instead, if the person does not return it.
It is something I painfully learnt before. I do not wish for you guys to go through it.
By saying value, I do not mean the monetary value, but the value of the person...
If you don't get it, someday you will understand it, but I'm sure you do by the time you read this.

We cannot gain anything without first giving something in return.

The 2nd truth of life also, I believe.
Pretty much the same as "What you reap, is what you sow."
For you to feel loved, you must first give love.
Your loved one will make you feel loved. It will be a beautiful cycle, definitely. =)
For you to feel happiness, you must first give happiness to others.
They will make you happy in return.
For you to forget sorrows, you must first help others forget their own.
They will help you forget your sorrows in return.

The law of equivalency.
Equal exchange.

If you've wondered: "Why is it that I give and give and give, but still I don't get it in return?"
Trust me, I surely know how you feel, my friend.
Tired, Despair, Sorrow, Frustration, feel like just giving up.
But still, my answer would be: Just be patient, and have faith.
For little things you give, little things you get in return.
For huge things you give, huge things you will get in return.
If you truly believe that you gave it your best, I believe that you will get something in return. If it doesn't, just wait.

From today onwards, I will focus on my studying and revision.
I will do my best to not distract myself.
Once the exam period's over, I'm sure things will go back to how it was.
Things between me and that someone special (I know you're busy. ^^) , things in school (no more exam pressure please T_T), things at home (I'll help out with whatever I can, definitely).
Or at least, I hope they will do so.

It is never true that you can love someone too much, but it is definitely true that you can love someone too little.
To my friend, Akira, and whoever who reads this and feels something, I hope you understand that someday.

Weeee~
Can't wait for things to get back to normal!
<33 ya always darl.

Final Fantasy VIII memories

2008-08-16T15:16:00.003+08:00

Faye Wong - Eyes On Me

I never sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
I never said my words
Wishing they would be heard

I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no

I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know?
That I have mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down

Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If a frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper

How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down

Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If a frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

*End of Lyrics*

I cried while listening to that song. T_T
It's so damn beautiful...
Reminds me of the days when I played Final Fantasy 8.
It's the best series in my opinion...

Darl's really focused, I love that about her when she's really concentrating.
Heck, I love everything about her. Heh.
I guess I'll have to learn that from her someday huh... Haha.

Alright, off to studying.

Exams! HELP!

2008-08-15T18:47:00.002+08:00

Wow, exams are in a week's time or so.
Really gotta start focusing lol.

Can't wait for the exams to be all over.
So many things to do, first up, guild outing on the 6th Sept! =D
It's the major thing I'm looking forward to.
A casual outing with my Apocalypse friends, and I'll finally get to meet her too.
Can't wait for that! xD
Hope nothing bad happens on that day...
Once that's done, I'll find a good tempo job again, start working a little and save up cash...
Who knows, I could have a few other outings, and I could definitely use the cash. =P

But... It falls during the fasting period lah. -_-"
Lol what luck hahahaha.
The whole month of September's gonna be fasting month.
October's gonna be the "Hari Raya" festivities.
Nothing's new I guess.
As lifeless as last year's I think. =/

Oh yes, and it totally slipped my mind that tomorrow's gonna be the 16th.
My sis's engagement! T_T
Well, off to clean my room then.
No wonder mom's been nagging me half to death. -_-"

Well then, till next time my friends.

P.S I love you manymany lahh darl! Miss you loads too! 8D

I do (Cherish You)

2008-08-12T12:06:00.011+08:00

I wish I could sing. (I don't know if I can, never tried before. xD)
Then I would get together a few other guys and their girlfriends, then we guys would sing this together.
Lol, wishful thinking, isn't it? xD

Blaze, blaze... -_-"

In any case, I'd like to dedicate this song to my dearest sweetheart.
No matter what happens, I want you to always know, I do cherish you.
Your presence in my life changed many things, and it definitely, without a doubt has changed it for the better.
We'll keep on going strong, as long as we both keep on walking together.
I'll hold your hand always.
I'll always love you.
Love you manymany lahh! 8D

In case there are any errors in the lyrics below, I apologize.
I typed it out myself. xD

I Do (Cherish You) - 98 Degrees

I do, I do...

All I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me 'cause I

I do cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do

In my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
'Till that day I found you
How you opened my life
To a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all my heart
Till my dying day

I do cherish you (I'll cherish you, as much as I always do)
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still (I'll always love you, as much as I always do)
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
Yes I do (Do I, do I, love you?)
I do (Do I, do I, love you?)

If you're asking do I love you this much..

Baby I do cherish you (I'll cherish you, as much as I always do)
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
Baby I do
I do

*End of song*

<33 ya manymany darl~
8D

One upset and lonely Blaze.

2008-08-09T19:30:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really wish I knew what's going on.
It's not words that will kill me, but silence will.

I really don't know what's going on.

But she tells me she's stressed, and it's got nothing to do with me.
Yet she doesn't want to tell me.
Sigh.
It's okay I guess.
She said: "darl, give me some time. i'm feeling stressed up atm."

She keeps on insisting that it's not me.
I'm glad she tries to reassure me.
Stressed with everything but me.

But sometimes I truly wonder, is it really it?
As much as I do wonder, I trust her.
It's one of the basic 3 principles in relationships that I believe in.
They are, Trust, Transparency and Respect.

She said it's not me, so I'll trust her.
She said "Please believe me." and so I will.
I respect the fact that she needs some time to probably settle something.

I won't be surprised if she's really fighting a really tough battle in her mind.
"What if he's like this... What if he's like that..."
Or, since recently she did mention something about her ex...
She said many things.

I'm merely listing down the thoughts in my head here.
I really somehow am hurting inside and feeling lonely.
I can only hope and pray that things will be alright for her soon, and things can go back to normal for us.

Call me a fool for giving in too much guys, but I believe that I really want to give this my all.
She managed to capture my heart, she managed to bring me up from all that mess I went through.

But the sudden silence, it's making me worry.
I hope she shares whatever that's on her mind with me.

Or perhaps, it's something I'm not meant to know.

Call me paranoid, as much as I do trust her, I am afraid that this problem bugging her may have her ex in the picture.
I really am afraid.
That plus, the exams are in the corner too.

I trust her.
And that trust will eliminate that fear.

Since she has requested for some time, I will give her all the time she needs.
I believe that when the time comes, she will tell me what happened.
Good or bad news, I pray that she will say it out, rather than keep quiet.

"It's not words that will kill me, but silence will."

I'll always love you darl.

Happy 1 month!

2008-08-02T08:47:00.002+08:00

Today marks a special day in my life.
Exactly one month ago, I got down on my knees and proposed to her.
One month ago is the date Shah and Lynn got together!
02/07/08

Here's my message to my darl:
We've been together now for one month now, darl, and no amount of words can ever show you how much more I'm loving you, compared to the first time I felt this way for you.
Every second strengthens my love for you, each heartbeat reminding me of the promises that I made to you.
I will be strong for you, and fight anything which comes my way that stops me from being with you.

I thank you, my love, for being here with me and walking this path with me.
Because you are here with me, the lonely road I once walked, is now no more.
I still remember the days when I'd get upset because everybody's life had colours in it, unlike mine.
Mine was a total greyscale, just a mixture of white and black, without you in my life.

But now, it has more colours than I could ever possibly imagine;
One unfathomable sight which I thought I could never live to see.

As you have promised that you will walk with me till you breathe your last, I, once again, promise you that I will walk with you, catch you should you fall, and carry you on my back if you're ever tired till I breathe my last.

No matter what happens, this promise will hold, for we both have said this before:
"I will be yours if you'll be mine~
All the way till the end of time~"

I love you Lynn.
I really really do love you manymany. 8D

Happy 1 month to the both of us!

New Aims!

2008-07-31T08:39:00.004+08:00

I've finally realised my flaw.
The fatal flaw which will change many things!

The problem: I think too much.

If I can somewhat eliminate that from myself, I'd be a lot more calm and cooler.
This post shall serve as a reminder for me, for I do not wish to turn into that kind of person.

For when you think too much, evil whispers into your ears, filling your head with endless thoughts and worries.

Thank you darl, for making me realise that.
(Although I'm sure you didn't even know what you did.)

Shouldn't have asked...

2008-07-30T00:25:00.003+08:00

Gah.
Dumb me.
*slaps myself 1000x*
Shall not ask about it anymore.

Yeesh.

Sometimes I think too much.
Oh God, help me out with this.

Dream!

2008-07-24T12:08:00.003+08:00

Wow, been some time since I updated this space.
Okay lah, maybe not too long.

Last 2 nights ago, had a dream of me and my girl.

Lol, okay so I'll just blog it anyway.
Besides, she might wanna read it again, although I told her about it already.

=P

We were at the beach, was almost sunset...
I was ankle deep in water, with her on my back and her head on my right shoulder.
(I think it's the right shoulder lol.)
Yeah, I carried her piggyback.
So as I walked along the shore, I could feel her heart beating, and it was nice; it felt as if our hearts were beating together..
Then she turned her head towards me and asked me: "Can we be like this forever?"
I replied: "Darl, I'll be with you always. We'll always be together forever. I promise."
She smiled sweetly; I gave her a kiss.
She hugged me tightly and rested her head on my shoulder again as I carried her while walking forward.

...

It was really nice, picturing her and myself like that..

...

As I walked ahead, then I stopped at this table and 2 chairs.
The table had a white tablecloth, chairs were cushioned.
On it were 2 plates of food with 2 sets of forks and knives, with a candle stand right in the center.
She was pleasantly surprised.
(The candle was already lighted up by then, and seriously, I don't know where the table and chairs came from. Don't ask. Lol.)

I can't remember much at that point in time, besides me pulling the chair for her, and us eating. Can't remember what we joked about...
(Gah you can't really remember a lot of the parts in your dreams sometimes...)

But this part that I'm about to say, I can't forget it.

As we both spoke and ate together, we were enjoying our drinks while gazing out to the sea, watching the sunset.
Suddenly I held her hand, and kissed it.
She was shocked, then blushed and smiled.
Then I slipped a ring onto her finger.
She was super shocked by now, face turning tomato red...
Then she took off the ring, and looked at it.
(This part was the horror... Or so I thought.)
She read out aloud the engraving on the inside of the ring: S&L 020708
What that means: Shah & Lynn 02/07/08
Then she smiled and put it back on...
She stood up all of a sudden; so did I.
She then leaned towards me, and I took her in my arms.
I said: "So I take it as a yes?"
She just smiled and nodded happily, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Then she hugged me tightly and said something like: "I love you. Please don't let me go."
I looked at her, smiled and kissed her forehead, whispered to her: "I'm all yours, and I'll never let you go."
Then she saw my ring.
In it, read: L&S 020708.

So yeah.
Next thing I know I was lying down on the breakwater, with her lying beside me, her head on my left arm.
She was facing me and I was gazing up to the stars.
She kissed my cheek, then I woke up from my dream.
._.

Lol, so yeah, that's the dream I had about me and her.
I sorta wished that it wasn't just a dream.. ><
Oh well, perhaps I'll make it come true someday.

I'm off now!
See ya guys!

Shah <3 Lynn always!
Really, I do love you too my dear.
(That's in response to your sms haha!)

2008-07-22T12:43:00.002+08:00

Hmm.
Yesterday night was online MSN with my dear..
Then my CHEEKY cadets asked me to invite her into the convo.. Omg lah Esther. -_-"
So now Esther is officially given a nickname: Reporter!
XD

As for Clarice.. It's still Clariche. LOL!

Oh, and random news.
I picked up the guitar once more.
Playing it seems to bring back old memories of fun in the studio.

Well, hope to jam once more with my band.
Just like old times, eh bros?

Wow okay so what happens now?
Nothing much actually.
Just waiting.. For the 6th of September. XD

Why is it like this.

2008-07-19T10:09:00.002+08:00

I miss my dear... T_T
Due to some problems that she's facing, apparently I won't be able to see her much online I guess.
Omg lahh.
All I can do now is hope, pray and smile and wish for the best for her.
Can't wait to see her this 6th September.
It's gonna be our mass Apocalypse Guild gathering.
She says she can't wait to see me too.
Like I can wait like that. =P

But why not make it sooner?
Sigh.
September's one of the "holiday" months for us poly students. So, I thought perhaps after our exams, we definitely would have time for each other, to meet up and stuff.
So yeahh. She promised she'd come.
I'll prolly pick her up at her place before heading out to meet the others.
So happy! ^_^V

Oh well, I'll continue looking positive I guess.
And it's all thanks to her for helping me find myself and letting me give my heart to her.
She's taking real good care of it now.

And I'm happy.
Don't think I've felt this way before.
This happiness that seems to be lasting forever whenever she's around...
Gahh I love my darl a lot lahh.

Okay back to my life updates; nothing much has been happening, just find it hard to concentrate in class nowadays. My groupmates have been... Always fantastic.
One more year for me to go to last in this poly thingy.
Then I'd carry out my plans, and slowly build up my financial stability, then go on for greater plans with her.
Yep, we're both that serious about each other, although it's only words so far.
But I know somehow, we both are. xD

I'm off to cabal then.
See ya all!

Sometimes I wonder.

2008-07-15T15:34:00.003+08:00

Ahh.
What a day.
Sick yet again.

Sometimes I wonder why I think of this and that.
Sometimes I have weird thoughts.
I wonder why they come sometimes. Guess I can't help it. They'll be gone sooner or later.
Sometimes, with all these things going on in your mind, you can't help but wonder things.
It seems that from the bad start of the year I had, suddenly in the middle it seems so fantastic. One can't help but really wonder, is this for real?

I definitely hope it stays that way.
<33 my darl manymany! 8D

Ahh, dispel those weird thoughts.
No need to worry.
Everything's gonna be alright soon.

Take one step at a time, Shah.
One step at a time.

Why am I emoing? o_O
I think it's the fever.

Bleh. Bye.

Recent Updates!

2008-07-14T15:58:00.004+08:00

Been a few days since I last updated. Oh well. Currently down with sore throat, flu, fever.
Surprised her with a small surprise when she came back home from Malaysia yesterday.
Glad she liked it haha!
She said she was crying when she saw what I did for her...
*Touched*

Earlier this morning, I met up with Akira. That ass still doesn't get it in his head.
Who has been there all along for him. Who understood him all this time.
Who was waiting for him all the while.

Well, hearing that he survived an accident yesterday, I guess I'll be a little nice to him for now.
But then again, still, I feel like whacking him for being a "Grade-A asshole".
Anyway, got my new phone.
It's the same as my darl's~!
Nokia 5610 Xpress Music.
Fine, I know you guys heard about me always complaining about how to use Nokia phones.
I'll say it here, I'm a Motorola Razr kind of person. Or was.
Turns out, previously before she changed her phone, she was using V3i.
Previously I was using V3x.

Another coincidence?
Well, who knows.

Akira mentioned to me something.
My weakness.
He said my greatest strength is my greatest weakness.
What is it?
Here's what he said: You're different. When you love that gal, you die-die love her. I don't know how to describe it to you, but it's a good point and a bad point.

Aiya Akira, thanks for those words. But don't you think I know? Probably I knew.
Let's digress from my life and move on to other topics.

...

Fine, nothing else is on my mind besides my girlfriend.

Anyway, my body hurts like mad now. Whole freaking body is aching.
I've still got a blocked nose which might require a plumber soon.
There's this thing which makes my head spin non-stop.

I think I better get back to sleep.

Adios.

Oh yeah, Kevin, I saw your comments.
Lol. Why can't I probably mention some stuff about the girl I wanna spend my life with?
=P

Psst, darl.
I miss u lahh.
Love u manymany~! 8D

Great day.

2008-07-10T13:24:00.007+08:00

12.32PM

*Pulls hair*
GARGH HOW COULD I BE SHORT OF 2 DOLLARS?!

I was this close to getting my new phone.
-_-"

Oh well.
In school now, pretty stressed up with how things are going in school.
Project mates are being a pain in the holy arse, as usual, and there are those few who actually do their work. I'm grateful those kind of people exist.

Better watch who I'm grouped with next time. >_>

Oh today was a complete disaster waiting to happen.
A b-e-a-u-t-f-u-l disaster.

I walked out of my house. Came down the stairs.
Walked past Esso. I stopped to look at my phone; it was beeping like mad.
Then... Phone battery low.
Aiya... -_-"
I plugged in the charger to my phone last night, but forgot to turn on the switch for sure.
That means I can't sms my darl today till 6pm++ later! T_T
Dumb me.
Right after I was agonizing over fact that I forgot to charge my phone, I forgot to bring my file.
Ran straight back home, and realised I got locked out of the house.
Wah.
My door doesn't have a knob to turn; you need a key to open it.
So yeah. Waited like an idiot for my mom to come out of the shower (trust me, she took a very long time in there just now.).
The moment she opened the door, I ran straight in and took my file.

Checked my phone iRis (it's a website which tells me when my bus will arrive).
It wrote there, Next Bus: 3 mins.

What else did I do?
I ran out with all my stuff.
Reached the bus stop, I saw the bus.
Flagged the bus, but the bus didn't stop. -,-
I swear the bus driver is probably as blind as a bat.
Bloody dingbat.

Gah, after all that havoc trying to reach school on time, I reached the class and on the door...
There was a piece of paper..
On it, it wrote:

Class (P04) today (0900-1100hrs) is canceled, lecturer is on MC.
I swear lah, today really is a "great" day.

I'll go back to that corner, and emo there till today is over.
Bye.
T_T

Psst darl, I loveeeeeeee u manymany! 8D

Edit: I'd like to dedicate this song to my darl..

Who knows darl, someday I'd play it on the guitar just for you to hear. 8D
Love ya always baby.

3:00 PM

1 more hour till class starts.
Dying of boredom here!
._.
Wished my phone was fully charged... T_T
Got bored, so I typed the lyrics here.

David Cook - Always Be My Baby
Original Artist: Mariah Carey

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder, oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! Baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be apart of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby..

*End of Lyrics*

There ya go.
I love my darl manymany~! 8D

Back from hibernation.

2008-07-09T16:12:00.002+08:00

Blaze is back.
This time, things have changed I guess.

Sorry for not updating, I guess I couldn't really be bothered anymore at that point of time cause I thought my life was gonna roll downhill the whole way.
Yeah, I was giving up on relationships...
Till I met this girl online, and I SWEAR, I think I blinked, cause the next thing I knew, we both fell for each other.
Ahahaha...
I guess it built up slowly?
Or it just exploded like fireworks all of a sudden?

Things are pretty much looking up, and I hope it'll continue getting better.
Thrashed out and settled minor details with my girl.
(Yeah, I'm attached. In a strange manner though.)
I do realise that there will be bound to be insecurities and stuff when it comes to meeting and stuff.
I hope that whatever I said would've made her feel more at ease.

No reason for me to be someone else online, and someone else in real life.
Those of you friends of mine from maple would know I'm no different from my char aite? =P

As it is, I'm not gonna press for an outing with her.
When she's ready, then I'll ask.
But how'd I know if she is? Guess I still gotta ask; but not too soon.
I never liked forcing people out and stuff.
If she's to go out with me, it has to be of her own free will and she has to be sure by then I guess.

Ahh so much for that.
What matters is, I know I'm dead serious about her.
Like how she is about me.
Well, she seems to be serious to me, and I do feel convinced.
Some of my friends aren't convinced, but then again, guys, it's a risk I'm willing to take with her.
I'm not gonna lose my bet.

Too many coincidental things happened between me and her; how'd I not feel the connection with her, like how she did with me?
What's important is, I want her to know that I love her so.
And I hope she can feel it always, that I'm always with her.
Cause I'll never walk away from her.

This is the final risk I'm willing to take.
I'll give her my heart.
This is the last time I'll give my heart to anyone.

All that I know is, I love her manymany! 8D

Short.

2008-06-03T12:03:00.000+08:00

Hi all.
I am going through some tough times now, so I won't be updating much.

Take care.

3 Random Lines.

2008-05-27T13:48:00.000+08:00

Okay no worries.

The outing will happen.

Take this as a confirmation.

Dream again?

2008-05-25T11:11:00.001+08:00

Sigh.

Just when I thought I had things coming my way for once.

Everything falls apart once more.
I feel like giving up entirely already.

Farewell... PHSS NCDCC

2008-05-22T14:41:00.004+08:00

Dear friends, cadets and Officers,

I am here before you today to inform you of my resignation from the organisation. It is something that none of us saw coming; even myself. As things became a series of unfortunate events, it has become one that has affected me deeply, much to the extent where I had to choose if I wanted to keep on going, or just put down everything.

As you can tell, my choice has already been made. I have to put down the uniform for good. If you are asking me why give up all the hard work that has been done, I would say that this is something I had to do. No doubt it hurts to have to go first before any of you, as it definitely my wish to have seen all of you till you have finished your years of service here in PHSS.

As much as my heart aches with pain, I am here before you, standing and smiling proud. Proud not because of my actions, but proud of each and every one of you here before me. Proud of the very unit that has made my Fridays something to look forward to. I hope that none of you will take this hard, and keep on smiling and striving for the best of this unit.

It has been a wonderful experience being here with all of you, at least for the past few months since I was here. Even as a Guest CLT back then, I sensed the warmth and closeness of the unit, how you all bonded with each other amidst the troubles and problems that you had faced. Eventually all of you stood up together as one unit, one family, PHSS NCDCC. When I received news that I was transferred to PHSS NCDCC, it was too good to be true that I was joining you all for good. But they say, all good things must come to an end. I didn't see that it would come this soon.

Unfortunately, my dream of reaching a Gold UOPA standard combined with my efforts and yours, standing together with you all in your ups and downs, cannot be realised. It all rests upon your shoulders now, each and every one of you play a significant part and role in realising the dream, without me being there. It would be selfish for me to say that it was solely my dream, therefore I will say that it is the dream of the other officers too. It should be your aim to be among the best units here in Singapore. I sense much potential in each and everyone of you.

I am sorry that I won't be able to walk with you for the rest of the journey.
I am sorry that I cannot be part of your PHSS NCDCC family, like how we all thought it should have been.
I am sorry that I won't be able to watch you grow in strength in the years to come.
I am sorry that I won't be able to watch you all take your awards and attend your ceremonies.
I am sorry that I won't be able to watch your promotion ceremonies.
I am sorry that I won't be there to watch over all of you anymore.
I am sorry that I won't be able to train you all anymore.
I am sorry that I won't be there for all of you, like how it used to be anymore.

Take this as a saying: Whatever that comes, must go someday.
Let us all draw from an important lesson this: How this unit got up stronger was not because of my efforts; it was because of each and every one of you played your part.

I would also like to thank my fellow Senior Officers for everything that they have done, and hope and pray for their success in their future endeavours. May PHSS NCDCC get stronger with each passing second, every day and every year.

I shall now take my leave.
I bid you all farewell.

Be strong, my friends.

Only Heaven knows.

2008-05-19T11:00:00.003+08:00

One day when the sun does shine,
Everything will be fine.

They say when you lose one thing, you gain another, don't you?

It's really sad for me to leave you all as well; if only you all knew the pain that was kept inside, hidden behind all those laughters and smiles.

Like I said, I'm not very good with emotions.

Talked with Blur Queen quite a lot on the phone for the past few days...
Every call we had, I'd never fail to hear her laughter.
I'd always imagine that she'd laugh so hard till her face turns red lol.

She'd always ask me, why you always laugh?

Everytime I visited the others' blog, I'd be struck with guilt.
It makes me feel as if it was wrong for me to resign.
Well if I was selfish, I wouldn't give a damn and just get everyone into trouble; but that ain't me.

It's hard for me to explain everything to them; and as I know of, this has been a sacrifice that has been somewhat most heartaching.
I gave up something I loved.
I gave up something I looked forward to.
I gave up something I would always smile about.
I gave up something I would always be proud of.
Sadly, it does seem as if I gave up you all as well.

That's not the case.
I never gave you all up.

Even if things end this way, I want you all to know that, each and every one of you have a place in my heart, not as cadets, but as friends.

From day one I stepped in, notice that I've never put across the strict personality like how I was "supposed" to. I can only hope and pray that the next officer that comes will be better than me in many ways.

Only Heaven knows what I would give up just to make this dream come true once again.
Well then, keep on dreaming Shah.

2008-05-15T15:44:00.002+08:00

Here's a BIIIIIIIIG thank you to Blur Queen for sabo-ing me.
-_-

Rules of the game: Remove one question from below, add in one of your own (personal), to make a total of 20.
Tag 10 people in your list in the end of this post.
Notify them.

1. At what age do you wish to be married?
When my girl is ready to get married! =D

2. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 buddies you'd take and why?
Yeesh, why drag anyone else into the the suffering I'd go through? I'd choose nobody and hope they'll be happy and safe at home.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Japan! ^_^ V

4. Would you take a bullet for the one you love?
No. I won't.
I won't take just a bullet for her.
I'd take every single bullet that'll come her way, and I'll keep on standing until the last bullet comes.
Hell, I'd take anything harmful that comes her way until it's over.

5. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Why not? Go forest, kill animals, start fire, cook. There you go. Full stomach. ^^

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Those who I love and care about.

7. If you win $1 Million, what would you do?
Keep some for me and the woman of my life. ^^
Give my parents and her parents the best time of their lives by taking them to places they've always dreamed of going to...
Give some to my siblings and hers...
And last but not least, donate some to charity.

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Heh, I'm a shy guy. I'll need confirmation then I'll confess. Hehe.

9. One bad point the person who tagged you has got.
I can't think of any... To me, she's okay in every aspect. ^^

10.What is your dream girl?
A human being? o_O (Note, the question says "WHAT". LMAO.)
Fine, I'm a sucker for girls with jet black shoulder/long hair.
You know those flowly, smooth hair... *Nosebleed*
And of course, someone who is able to accept me in every way the same way I'd do for her.

11. What kind of person do you hate the most?
Those who break my trust.

12. If you are given the chance to go back to the past and make a difference, will you?
Life is made up of choices that you have made and will make. If you change what you've done, you won't be who you are today. ^^
Oh wait, if saving my loved ones was in the list, I'd do that, even if it would mean that things would be different.

13. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. What does it mean to you?
Something I'd be willing to give to my girl.

14. Any wisdom to share with your readers?
Confucious says, water is the strongest element of all. It erodes mountains.
Shah says, I take a bloody nuke and I'll blow everything off the face of the planet.
Who's stronger now huh? ';...;'

15. If there's ever a war (or things that are similar) happening in your place, are you going to move to a safer place, or fight?
If my loved ones are being threatened.. PICK UP THE SWORD! CHAAAAAAAARGE!
If I'm the only one... I'm too lazy to fight. RUN! =P

16. If you have the chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
My suayness. And also the fact that I find it hard to open up to someone new.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Let's face it, how many of you even know me well? ^^

18. What's your weakest point?
Giving out my heart totally to my girl, trusting her with it.
(That's a good thing and bad thing actually... lol.)

19. What does love means to you?
Spending time together, sharing ups and downs together, and for me to be able to wipe away her tears every single time she cries.
To hug her and hold her in my arms when she feels lonely.
To be there for her, every single time, to the best of my abilities.
To be able to enjoy every moment together with her, giving her my unconditional love.

20. What have you been longing to do for awhile?
The seat next to mine has been empty for quite some time...

Yep, I'm still single. Lmao.

*End of 20 Questions*

I shall not sabo any of my friends to do this.
HMMMMmmmmmmm.

Okay fine.

MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Here we go.

...
Nobody else in mind except Zul.
P.S: Zul, I'll be reading your blog you faggot, you better do this quiz.

Short Post.

2008-05-14T16:28:00.003+08:00

I've been shut for too long.
I guess I should open up more.
I guess I'll swing the doors open this time.
Maybe you're right, Dan.
Just maybe, this time, you're really right.

23rd May is coming.

The day I'd get to see them for one last time.
This hurts a lot; wish they'd know what would happen next.
But they can't.
Not yet maybe.

I'm sorry.

For my sake, keep the spirit alive, even if someday I were to disappear, and never return...
Promise me you all will do your best even if someday I'm just missing from the face of the earth...

So many things I'd love to tell all of you, but I just can't.
So many things I'd love to say to each of you personally, but I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Happy happy dream...

2008-05-10T15:14:00.004+08:00

Woke up today.
Had a dream.
Weird dream.

I wonder what it was all about actually...
Blur Queen, Esther, and my best buddy since primary school, Zul. was in it, together with some other strangers.

Weird comical stuffs happened...
As well as sad ones lol.
I'm not going to spoil the ending, (whatever that's left of it that I remember) so read it, and read it well.
Lol.

I sound too serious haha...

Okay, here it goes.
Disclaimer: Everything said here after this line onwards has nothing to do with real life events. If by some weird chance or twist of fate that it strikes a resemblance... Then... Aiyah, go on and read down there lah.

*Entering the dream*
I was out, walking at some park / beach.
Talking and laughing with some people around me...
As we walked, I heard a rather familiar voice...
That high pitched laughter... And that high level of uncontainable energy.
So I spun around to take a look.
Yeap. Blur Queen was there too.
Walking together with Esther and some other people.
(As usual, I caught her looking at me. Her whole face turned red. Even the ears too. LOL.)
My best buddy since primary school was there too.
Zul, as usual, cracking jokes..
(Psst, he had someone tagging with him and holding his hand.)

So the little group walked together towards this grassy patch where it overlooked the sea.
Damn beautiful scenery... Especially during sunset.
We were about to sit...
Then it dawned upon me.

Me: Eh, why the hell am I here?
Zul: How'd I know? You dragged me here!
Me: Eh, wait. WAIT. I dragged you here eh? Why'd I drag you here if I didn't even know why I'm here?
Zul: Dude you seriously look wiped out. You alright? *Gives me the do_Ob look* You look like you just woke up from some weird dream...

(Note: do_Ob = face. The d and b are his ears. lol.)
(2nd Note: And, wasn't I already dreaming in the first place?)

Me: Wait, what are you saying? I'm awake right. C'mon, slap me.
(Coconut falls on my head. Don't ask me where that came from. I HAVE NO IDEA!)
Me: ^%$#!^%$#@ THAT HURT!!
Zul: I didn't even have to slap you man...
Me: ... shut up. =_="

*Blur Queen running towards me*
Blur Queen: OMG! Are you alright?
Me: Do I look like I'm not alright? *Sheepish smile*
Blur Queen: ... Maybe a plane should've dropped on your head instead.
Me: @_@ What?
Blur Queen: Heehee, nothing! ^_^ *Runs off to join Esther and the rest*

So there we all were, sitting together on this nice mat that Zul and his erm... (Could've been his girlfriend?) brought.
Zul and the gal, Blur Queen, Me, Esther and some other people.

So there we were, joking and talking around as usual, eating some sandwiches and stuff.
Everything was fine, the birds were flying, fishes were swimming, people were cycling...
(Okay I only said that cause I can't remember what happened while we all were eating and talking... =X)

Up until Blur Queen started poking me. (More like tickle, but I refer to it as poking. =X)
Yep. I jumped up and as a result, everything on my lap (my sandwich and some hotdogs) were sent flying in all directions.
One hotdog hit a cyclist in the face and he flew off the bike. -_-"
The other hotdog rocketed straight to God-knows-where.
(I hope you have a good life, hotdog...)
My sandwich flopped straight to Blur Queen's face.
(HA! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR POKING ME!)
Yea, and so I laughed so damn hard till my sides were aching...
Till she took the same sandwich and smeared it on my face.

Yeah. Her turn to laugh. T_T

Zul and the gal was laughing at me and Blur Queen, so I took the serviettes and started wiping the "sandwich-stuffs" off her face. And pinched her cheeks. And, hor, she turned red. LOL.
She responded by pulling my nose... (T_T Poor nose...)

So eventually the minor comical event ended with Esther running and saying that the "man-who-got-slapped-by-the-hotdog" crashed into a tree.

What else did we do?
We all roared in laughter (Something which won't happen in real life, mind you.) and started walking towards the poor "man-who-got-slapped-by-the-hotdog".

I started on the first-aid, and Esther proved to be of great help with the splint, while Blur Queen reassured the poor man that everything would be alright. She kept talking to him and took his mind off the pain. Never have I felt so proud of them this much before.

Well, after the whole thing, the man got up and thanked us.
And got carried away by the ambulance.
(Can't remember whatever that happened after that...)

It was sunset, and the skies were orange...
I saw Blur Queen sitting alone on the water breaker...
She wasn't her cheerful self.
Seemed as if she had the worry of the whole world on her mind.
Her eyes were red and almost teary, so I sat down to have a chat with her...

Blur Queen: I seriously feel tired at times.
Me: Huh? Oh wanna take a break? Let the rest handle the packing if you're tired alright?
Blur Queen: It's not that...
Me: I know. What's up?
Blur Queen: It's just that, sometimes it's always me guessing and stuff.
The rest of the conversation will not be posted, due to 2 reasons...
Number 1: I think this might have something to do with something going on in real life.
(Needa respect privacy you know! ^^)
Number 2: I forgot some parts of it.
(LOL. XD)

So I managed to talk her out of her sad thoughts, and things seemed fine once more.
By then, Zul and the gal had mysteriously disappeared somewhere, while Esther and the others were finishing with the packing up of the items.

That's when it was Blur Queen's turn to ask me the questions about how I was and stuff.
Blur Queen: So I guess everything's alright with you?
Me: Fine I guess, thanks to you and the rest.
Blur Queen: ...
Me: I really am fine. Don't worry about it alright? I'm more worried about you than you are about me. Lol.
Blur Queen: *Smiles and turns red from face to ear*
Me: HA! THERE YOU GO! WHO SAYS YOU DON'T TURN COMPLETELY RED?!
Blur Queen: Walao eh... Where got!
Me: *Smiling, puts hand out* C'mon, let's go.

So she took my hand, got up, helped out the rest with the packing.
I then realised I had left my phone behind on the water breaker...
Went over to get it...
Saw a sms from Blur Queen...
It said: Thanks for the talk just now. :) I feel better.

After everything was done, we all boarded buses, all going seperate directions.
I helped Esther and Blur Queen carry some stuff.
Esther's brother came to meet us at the interchange and helped her carry her items back home.
Since I had nothing much to carry anyway, I decided to walk Blur Queen back to her place since it was dark outside already.

We talked about a few things also while walking back (can't remember exactly what we talked about... And some things did happen along the way too, just can't remember...) and until eventually we reached her block. So we said our farewells and she was about to board the lift...

I walked towards the bus stop and waited for the bus, until I saw her coming down again, waving to me, as if signalling that I forgot something.

I crossed the road and walked towards her...

And got knocked down by a car.
-_-"

Last thing I saw before I woke up was her running towards me.

And BOOM! I woke up.
Did I die in that dream?
Freaky dream.

Losing myself.

2008-05-06T14:49:00.006+08:00

1555hrs

kimi wo sagashitemo doko ni mo inai
me wo toji, kokoro hiraite
mata nagamete mitemo nanimo kawaranai no ka
tashikamete mitai
chuuburarin na aseta hibi ga izuruiteiku no ga wakattan da
kokoro ni negai sou sakenderu
nanika wo nakushite shimatta koto de sou
te ni shita mono mo kitto arun darou

Translation:
No matter where I search for you, you're nowhere to be found
So I close my eyes, and open up my heart..
I need to know, if I gaze up again,
Will things be different this time?
But I know the days will still be full of uncertainties and apprehension.
So I pray, screaming that wish deep within my heart.
When you lose one thing,
You gain another, don't you?
*End of translation*

I somehow hope I do, though I don't even want to lose anything.
But then again...
Sigh.

1201hrs

Shadows crawling all over, rising above.
The beam of light which once shone upon this heart, dissipates.
Diffusal and reflection of the final rays of light still linger within.
But for how long will it last, until the shadow completely manifests me?

How long more can I stop the flow of anger raging and surging through my veins?
How long more can I keep my sanity of making the right choices?
How long more can I keep whatever that matters to me?

Will I ever end up losing everything?
I've lost many things.

Please tell me I won't lose everything.
Please tell me someone will always be here.

I'm pathetically crying and screaming out.
I don't want to lose everything.
I don't want to lose everyone.

Deep down inside of me, right now, even as you read this, I still am fighting a battle deep within myself.
I'm fighting with myself.
One which is pulling me just deeper and deeper into insanity.
Another which is struggling to keep me afloat and keep my sanity.
I could just give up and surrender.
I could just fight on and keep on going.
I'm tired.
Perhaps a rest is what I need.
Or perhaps it's time to end it all.

I've had many thoughts.
Many points of anger.
Dark shadows of the past causing anguish and hurt.
Too many tears shed.
Disappointment seems to be befriending me.
Hopes destroyed.
Wishes forgotten.
Dreams shattered like sledgehammer to mirror.
Nothing but sadness, regrets, disappointment, emptiness and anger linger.
I've felt this way once, but this time everything just seems to pile on and on non-stop.

To all my dearest friends and ex-cadets, let's meet up soon before it's too late.
Can't say much here, other than I'm already starting to lose myself.

Hope to see you all for one last time real soon, at least before it all ends.
It's already surfacing once more.
The shadow of who I once was.

The dreaded shadow that I once sealed deep down inside of me.
Can't take it anymore.
Perhaps the seal broke.

My life's all starting to get shitty.
One blow after the other.
Raining blows non-stop on me.
Why?
Why now?

I'm losing myself.

Oh, maybe I already did.

For some reason, I swear I don't know, but I feel that I might have accidentally gotten emotionally attached to something which had nothing to do with my life or my past before. Why get emotionally attached to something which I didn't even know for long?

Wish I knew.

Perhaps I should have kept on being emotionless.
Plaster on a fake smile.

Pathetic, aren't I?
I'm supposed to be a leader, leading other people, but I can't even steer my own proper directions in life.

Someone tell me, it does sound as if I'm losing myself right?
RIGHT?

Bored.

2008-05-02T02:17:00.003+08:00

Just got back from work.
Bah.

Tiring.

Anyway, I just read Blur Queen's blog, and I saw this random question:
What happens if I disappeared from your life one day?

Here's a random answer:
I'll try to find you.
If you're missing for 24 hrs, call police! ^^
If still can't find you, means you were abducted by UFO! :O

Goodness. Lame old me.

Okay lah, I'll keep on searching for you and won't stop till I find you.
Or die trying.
(Now that you mentioned the possibility of you disappearing, I'll have to send bodyguards to make sure you don't disappear from the face of the earth!)

I had that question too somewhere in my blog...
Was way back then in the past I guess.

Gah today was a hectic day.
Labour day, but here there I was, slaving my ass off in Starbucks.
Yeeesh.

I did a half backflip/somersault in store when I slipped.
Landed flat on my body.
Fine, almost 3/4 of a somersault.
Like this.

Fine, my drawing sucks. -_-"

And yes, face first to the floor.
You may be asking how the heck does that happen?

Here's the RECIPE FOR IT TO HAPPEN!

BAD LUCK + SOAPY WATER + FLOOR = DISASTER.

Kids, don't try it at home.

So much of anger, so much of sadness

2008-04-30T10:16:00.002+08:00

Another day, another night.
Another dream.
Why is it that I keep on dreaming about them?

Me and the other 4 of them walking out together, laughing happily joking about stuffs.
All 5 of us in uniform.

I sure do miss those times now.

Now when I think about it, my life sorta sucks.
Everything falling apart at the start of this year.
I've lost nearly everything that I've held dear and close to my heart.
The only things that are surviving are my family and buddies.

I've lost so much that I'm surprised I haven't gone insane.
Problems one after another.

Here, I'll list them down here for my own reference.

Late last year, had a fight with my bandmates.
We split up the band.

Early this year, something sad happened to me.
Something emotional.

Then the tuition job ended up badly because the kid didn't want to study.
Next my DJ-ing company decided to cut down on their staff.
Due to budget reasons.
Yes, I lost 2 jobs at once.

Fell ill quite often, with one instance where I had high fever.
Brain almost got fried, says doc.

Got smacked in the face for no reason from this drunk asshole who was assaulting his girlfriend.
Okay, maybe there was a reason. I tried to stop him.
My favourite shades broke.

Jobless for a few months, then due to the depression that I was suffering from, I flunked my exams.

Tried finding various jobs.
All fooled me because they ended up to be MLM (Multi level marketting)
Trust me, it sucks big time.

Found out I was being led on for "fun" by a certain girl.
The truth is, I sort of lost interest in relationships already.

NCDCC issues.
The camp, my blog, the cadets.
Initially was settled the first time round.
Then someone wasn't happy.

That someone did a good job "persuading" me to resign.
Hell, I was enjoying my time in PHSS NCDCC.
Sigh.

Here comes the heartbreaking snippets.
T_T

I miss putting on the beret for Clio.
I miss hearing Clio's cute laughter and that cute smile.
Hell, I'll miss seeing Clio turn all red from the nose till the ears whenever I see her looking at me, and I look back at her.
Rednose Blur Queen! =P
Let's take a picture for me to keep soon!
(lol Clio, if you're reading this, I bet you'll either turn a little red or feel rather smiley to yourself now.)

I miss watching Esther's funny antics and her uber funny laughter.
Casa-what again? I didn't quite get it.
Let's jam someday Esther!
Let's write a song together someday too!
(Yep, now I know why they call you squidward.)

I miss hearing Ann Qi's hysterical laughter.
Not forgetting her "CHOOSE ME!"
*Visualises Ann Qi in a kimono, holding 2 fans and waving her arms while promoting herself!*
(Fine, I know you're full of self confidence. Keep it that way yea Ann Qi?)

I miss hearing the hearty laughters from Clarice.
Well, she's called "HAHA" for some reason right? ^^
And... Esther, why call her Clariche?
*Visualises Clarice in a santa suit... NAAAH doesn't work.*

Let's have a group photo soon.
=)
All of us together!
Friends forever!
(Eeeee I sound gay.. -_-")

I have a confession to make.
The biggest heartache between putting down my rank and leaving the PHSS NCDCC, is actually leaving PHSS NCDCC when they need me at this point of time.

Their CLT left, only I was left behind.
I managed to bring back the unit (those who were absent.) and also help the cadets to enjoy the CD lessons.

CPT Riyaz is definitely a kind and comapssionate OC who is never short of care and concern for his cadets. Even his CLTs are well taken care of too.

I hope the CLT that is posted there will be great.
Even better than me.
I want the best for the cadets.
I want the best for the unit.

I'll be back to blog soon.
Class starting soon. ^^

Resignation from NCDCC

2008-04-28T12:52:00.006+08:00

It's Monday today, 3 days after my really sad day.
I cried so much about this, after realizing that everything I've done just went down the drain just because of something small, which turned big only because I blogged about it.

Even so, it had no specific vulgarities nor defamatory remarks about the person.
It was more or less addressing an issue which made me boil so much with anger.
I am guessing perhaps the person took it personally, when (once again, I shall state this) there has been no specific reference nor sharpshooting of a certain individual.

I don't really know the impacts or the aftermath of what will happen right after I write this post, but then again, since I have no more ties with it, I shall just write about how I feel and my sadness.

Let me once more reiterate, only invited readers are allowed to read it, and in no way are any of you permitted to discuss this with anybody outside the invitation permissions.
If this goes out, I will have you know that not only will this cause major problems, it will also get you into trouble for disrespecting the privacy issues.

Don't get me wrong, I invited you all here because I know I can trust you people.
It's just a reminder, that's all.

Last Friday wasn't a day I was looking forward to.
It was the S/CLT Promotion Day.

What was in my mind was simply the thought of me in my no. 3 uniform, accepting the certificate and rank from the Commandant. That's how it's supposed to be.
Serving the organisation with pride, giving my blood, sweat and tears for a year...
And simply thrown out just like that.
I feel like I was just used and just... Stupid.

Being slammed down on the first day of service: Makes me wonder what did I even do to a certain individual before I came in.

Serving for one whole year, not being appreciated: It's fine by me.

Getting vibes of not being welcome when I have to serve: Fine by me too. I still did my job anyway.

Being the ONLY CLT to respond to a SYFOC (Singapore Youth Festival Opening Ceremony) urgent call for help: Something which makes me wonder why was I the only one there.

Serving during NDP 07 as assistant drill trainers: Something I will never forget.

Posted to group B after the first crap was settled: I will forever treasure the moments.

Conflicts with a certain someone who even went behind my back to "gather info" about my past to use it against me in a complaint report, adding in things which had nothing to do with the complaint or no link to the actual problem at hand, adding them all together into the complaint with the blog post which had no specific insult or attack on that certain someone: Something I will never forgive. Unforgivable.

Certain things that were done in the past had nothing to do with me being a CLT.
They happened before I was in service.
Why use those stuff against me in the complaint?
Ran out of things to actually make trouble for me?

Seems more like the person had a personal vendetta against me, rather than just sending in a complaint.

Accusing me of creating a rift between 2 groups: Those of you who know me, would know it's something I'd never do.

The first person verbally "attacked me" on my tagboard.
Only hostility was directed towards me, from the first person.
The second person stood up for me.
No vulgarities or whatsoever.

What was wrong with it?
While I understand that it was my post which could have caused the first person to have written such remarks about me, how does a conversation between 2 individuals who were ANONYMOUS start a wide rift between 2 groups?

You don't even know who the 2 people are.
You may have assumptions or whatever as to who the people may be, but let me say this: Assumptions bring you nowhere.
Assume all you want; even I don't know who the 2 people are.

To avoid confusion, I shall henceforth name the 2 groups, A and B.

A certain someone assumed that the 2nd person who stood up for me was from group B that I loved very dearly (note: The 1st and 2nd people was anonymous) I crumbled. The certain someone shot me on the phone telling me it was my fault that this happened and explicitly even said that the 2nd person was from the group B, what gave him the rights to assume and shoot down the entire group B?

Why accuse the 2nd group?
They did nothing wrong to you. Why get them involved in this mess?
Was there anywhere an evident link, in BLACK and WHITE that the group B was involved in this mess?

We don't work and deduce things via assumptions.
Does a professional organisation work based on assumptions?
Shouldn't things be based on black and white?
Shouldn't it be based on something which is proven and factual?

This whole incident is (or rather, was) a skirmish between a certain someone plus group A and me.

Someone (who could not have been from group B) just simply stood up for me.
I will not deny that there is a possibility.
There could have been another possibility that it could have been from another individual from another group.

But that person was that quick to accuse group B immediately, without proper examination of whoever it was, and where the person was from. The person could have been an individual from another group. Once again, working based on assumptions.

Basically, that was it for the skirmish.

Back to Friday.

As I saw my ex-colleagues march up the the commandant to get their certificates and ranks, smile, salute, and taking photos, my heart ached in pain.

I am supposed to be there with them.
Okay, perhaps I couldn't be there.

But on the promotion day, why was I present there, not in uniform, wearing civilian attire?
Why did I have a while envelope in my hands with a letter in it?
Why was the white envelope given to Maj Howard Tan?
Why was a resignation letter contained inside the white envelope?

Why did this turn out this way, you may ask.
Why did you give him the letter, you may ask.

Here's the reason in full.

Initially, after the blog issue, the post was taken down (much to my disgust as it had no specific reference or me shooting down or slandering anybody in that post), I got reprimanded for my actions and was shortly posted to group B. Yes, I got reprimanded by Commandant and Maj Howard Tan.

After a few weeks of restructuring group B's organisational chart and making things work, I managed to pull back those who were constantly MIA back into the group.
Everything seemed fine, and I dare say that We could have won at least a Silver for UOPA.

Then the sledgehammer came down.
A call, followed by all sorts of mails came.

I had to visit the commandant once more.
Yes. Bad news.

Behind closed doors, I was explained about the current situation.
An investigation was "necessary".
A certain someone wasn't happy with how HQ dealt with my "insubordination" and the person "die-die" wanted me out of the organisation.

But wait, wasn't the issue settled already?

Yes, the blogging issue was settled.
But this time, in the other complaint, I saw that it contained things about whatever that happened in the past (which had no specific relation to NCDCC at all, as I was not serving at any post when the incident(s) happened).

No, I did not do anything bad enough to get me expelled in the past, nor did it have any criminal intentions.

So with the new "complaint" the certain someone was requesting for HQ to do an investigation to find out more about whatever that has happened.
It was my word against group A plus the person.

One man against an entire group.
It clearly was a losing war that I would have to fight, but I don't take things lying down.
I feel like I was was accused of things that had no significant relavance to the blogging issue.
I would have said okay, let it roll and I'll give my full cooperation to this investigation.

For those of you who know me, even if you were in trouble and the whole world was against you, I'd still take up the sword and fight to protect you.
That was what I was prepared to do. Fight against the whole world for myself, on my own.

BUT.

As we all know, shit happens in life.
Commandant and Maj. Howard told me that they would have to question and probe the group B, which I strongly believe and can clearly show, had nothing to do with this case.
They said that it would cause problems for them as well, as the investigation will be troublesome, and could hurt them.
Even before the war started, they already had the ones who I held dear to me in their grasps.
What else could I do?

If I carried on fighting, it would no doubt hurt me. It would, certainly without a slightest reasonable doubt, hurt group B who had nothing to do with it.

I had no choice.
I had to throw down the sword which I once grasped tightly in my hand, swearing for justice to be done.

"You have to step down, that's your only way to protect those who you believe aren't involved in this. They will take it and leave quietly."

That was the thing which was said to me.
And let me tell you all once more, "those who you believe aren't involved in this." really means that they weren't involved.
Even if I believed it, or even if someone else were to look at it, even they would say that they would assume, but they can't tell if the innocents actually are involved.

I shall hopefully make my final appearance on the 23rd May 2008, at group B's training grounds.

Those of you who now know this, please, I'm begging you, do NOT take action or do anything about this. Do not tell the others or even blog about it.
Their judgement or retributions shall come.
And I hope it comes swift.

The best thing that happened to me in service, was my posting to group B.
Something I will forever remember and treasure with my life.
The day I gave the letter, I shed so much tears of anguish and pain, well knowing that I wouldn't ever get to see them again, not as Officer and Cadets.
Knowing well that I could never be the one to be there for them, smiling widely and feeling proud that they will be someday climbing up high soon.
Crying so much thinking about those who had formed a bond with me.
It hurts so much, not being able to see them once more.

I'll write more about it soon enough.

And to those who I believe deserve and explanation, there is no doubt that we shall meet up and I will tell you everything.

I love my PHSS NCDCC Cadets.
This is your Officer signing off for the final time, as a CLT.

Starbucks Training (Last day together)

2008-04-20T19:13:00.006+08:00

Before I start anything, I would like to start off today's post,
I would like to say that I miss the some people very much...
I believe that one of you know who I'm referring to..

T_T

Today...
Last day that I'll get to see them all..
#080404, I'll miss you!
T_T
Anyway, here are some photos of Starbucks Partner Training batch #080404!

Our Ground Rules!

The class from one angle...

The class from another angle...

Cammy, Daryl, Me, Rei, Jenny, Fadzli

Cammy and Shir

The Cup Noodle Gang!

Sham & Shah (Me lah...)

Shir & Cammy

Rei & Me

(I think she's kinda cute lol. Don't you think so too? =x)

Another Shot! Damn. Should really try to make myself look fairer! T_T

The 'R's!

Radhirah, Raji, Rei, Roslah, Rossaida

Can't believe I actually agreed to do a stupid pose... -_-"

Just... Don't... Ask why I agreed to even do this.

That's all for now!

I hope the people who made it to the NDP contingent will do their best!

I put your names forward because I know you people can do it.

I guess for now, take it as my final gift to you.

Farewell.

Private Blog

2008-04-19T00:49:00.002+08:00

This weblog (henceforth termed as "blog") is now private.
Any dissemination of any information from here to another unknown third party will be dealt with severely, which may or may not include lawsuits, depending on the degree of damage which will occur due to the negligence of the above-said.

I will not say this more than once; I AM NOT KIDDING about this.

You people have been invited to read this blog because I trust you people a lot.
Please respect my privacy by not communicating whatever info contained in this blog to other parties that do not have access to these materials.

Random postings.

2008-04-15T18:14:00.003+08:00

From the way things seem, it seems like everything's in a standstill for me.
I don't even know what would happen, I don't really care about what might happen.
I'm just dreading and waiting for my time to pass.

And my guitar is still...
Sick.

I'm rather moodless nowadays.
Can't tell if I'm actually happy or if I'm upset now.
Yeesh. Call this a emotionless day.

Slowly dragging myself back to who I was once I guess.
I think perhaps being cold is always better.
Shouldn't talk unless you're spoken to?

Feel like adopting that attitude once more.
I mean, I was the kind that wouldn't really care much. Some things came along, and changed me, and there's no guarantee that I won't change back to who I was. Some of my poor juniors came up to me and started asking questions. They realised that they don't even really know me, just besides that I'm just "another senior" that they hang out with. They're puzzled about my past and have no knowledge of "whatever-it-is" that they're seeking or want to know about me.
Sorry fellas, sometimes I'm just more than that "happy-go-lucky" person.
If you still can't tell how I'm feeling, it means I'm doing one hell of a job in concealing my feelings.

I've read from somewhere that a smile is the best way to approach a difficult situation. I mean, I'm not the kind that will just suddenly go "KABOOM" like an atomic bomb. I doubt I am that kind, really. Though many tough things I've faced in life, almost most of them I'd just put on a smile and I'll try to see it as if things are alright. Even if it was a fake one.

Let's talk about emotions.

Emotions. They make you stronger. Or they could just get in your way.
Would killing your emotions make you stronger?
I seriously wonder if this is what I should do sometimes.

Erm.
Okay regarding the issue, guys (you know who you are) , it's rather simple.
You know me for quite some time I guess.
And you should know me well (I hope).
About asking me if I have a certain someone in mind, I tend to just go into a "memory clear/dump" mode.

Sometimes, I wish to just not have feelings for people.
Seems tough sometimes.
But like how I've done it once, I will kill my emotions with a sword.

Oh Kid, if by any chance you're reading this, I'm glad you found your significant half.
I hope both of you are happy always.

Life is never at a standstill point, they say.
I wonder if it is really true sometimes.

The Italian Man who went to Malta.

2008-04-15T13:13:00.000+08:00

Check it out! Hilarious video!

Another darn update.

2008-04-14T14:56:00.002+08:00

To those that tagged, thanks.

I didn't expect that kind of reaction or messages from you people.
Hmm...

Yesterday isn't much to talk about I guess.
Nothing interesting happened so far, except that when I sms a few people, my messages never seem to reach them...
It resulted in me having to call them up.
Sorry about that people, I don't know what's wrong.

Last Friday I got caught in the rain, and water seeped in through my phone.
Damn. Warranty voided.
*Nightmare! Oh the horror!*

Hmm... Nothing much I can write on about what happened on Friday either, except that I was involved in NCDCC day and normal training after that.

Oh.

I got drenched. Totally soaked.
Painfully dragged myself (in my No. 3 uniform) through the rain; there wasn't any shelters I could run to... Got myself really wet.
Don't ask to what extent did I get wet.
Soaking wet would be more than enough to describe it.

After getting my stuffs dried somewhere, I went over to my aunt's place and slept there till about 1230hrs, and I went off from there...
Walked back the path I took, but instead of feeling cold this time, it was humid.

A few dogs barked here and there...
And someone's clothes flew in the wind while trying to get them hung I guess.

The white cloth flew right in FRONT of me, and I literally "squeaked".
Like, "EEK!"

Thought it was something... Supernatural..
*Shivers*

Reached the school...

Started training them...
It was FUN I tell you. FUN!

But the CD Shelter lecture sorta did bore them a little...
But they pulled through fine. =)

Anyway, sorry we all couldn't go back together...
Something rather urgent cropped up and I had to go.
Maybe next time yeah? ^^

Oh, and here's to some people who might be getting wrong ideas and stuff...
Just for the record, don't get any wrong ideas.
What kind you ask?

The kind where you get "wrong ideas" about someone and another person.
-_-"

Another down day.

2008-04-07T23:02:00.002+08:00

Another day which memories flow nicely to remind me of the pain.
Reminding me of the "good old days" of having hopes and willing to give it all away, just for that one chance to be with that person that you truly want to be with.

Not because the person is the right one or the wrong one, but simply because you want to be with the person.

Good thing though, the pain reminds me of the fact that I still am, breathing and alive.
Bad thing is, once bitten, twice shy.

It is rather sad to come to this blog to be reading such sad posts, after a period of inactivity for some time. But that's how it is for me in life.

Friends going out with their "other half", everything asking me out to join them for movies.
I look at the empty seat next to me, almost everytime I end up in the cinema.

For a few seconds, it would seem as if there would be someone there.
Like how it was with the others.

But nope.

It still is empty.

I admit, I'm not much of a handsome person.
Rate myself 2/10 I'd say.

It's true, looks ain't everything.
It's what inside that matters most.

It's true what they say, but how many of them can deny the fact that they'll get attracted by looks first?

See what I mean?

So many people keep on asking me: "Why you so long still no girl ah? You so jialat one meh?"

Translation: "Why is it that you're still single? Are you that unlucky?"

People keep on telling me, don't give up hope.
Keep on trying.

Why don't "you people" give me or find me a reason to try and hope once more, instead of just asking? Not easy right?

I know, I know.
So many assholes out there hurting each other, I wonder why they're still together.
Okay, actually I know why.

They give themselves reasons to try and hope once more, everytime, every single time they fight or quarrel.

Me?
I'm just too afraid of hurting others.

My honest principles in life regarding girls:
1) Respect their decisions. Even if it hurts you the most.
(Be a man, take it in your stride.)

2) Breaking their hearts are the worst thing a man can ever do. It's fragile.
(Even if you piece it back together, it still can never be the same.)

3) Their tears aren't that cheap that they have to ALWAYS cry for guys.
(Their tears are priceless.)

4) Hurting them physically is never the right way to solve any problems.
(What? A guy hitting a girl? He should chop off his balls. Seriously.)

5) Hurting them mentally will never be the right thing to do either.
(Trying the psycho-ing torture thing? Grow up.)

6) Treat them how you want them to treat you; it will be appreciated.
(What goes around, comes around.)

7) Don't be like "velcro". They need their own space too.
(They don't have to report to you every second, not do guys have to stick around them 24/7 -_-)

8) Don't control them. What, are you married to her?
(Even if you're married, guys have no right to control girls no matter what.
I'm sure they can think of the implications and consequences of their own actions too.)

So yeah. There you go.
I hope this post will be read by those assholes that do all sorts of things to their girlfriends.

Peace out.

Another sad and depressing day for poor old blaze.

10 Random Facts about Commandos

2008-03-18T11:42:00.001+08:00

1. A commando can sneeze with his eyes open.
2. A commando destroys the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
3. A commando can kill two stones with one bird.
4. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures a commando has allowed to live.
5. A commando doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
6. Thousands of years ago a commando came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
7. A commando can divide by zero.
8. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears commando pajamas.
9. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into a commando while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
10. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs a commando. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Apology

2008-03-11T14:08:00.008+08:00

It all just turned out to be a misunderstanding.
I apologize for any inconvenience caused.

Due to certain issues, I apologize to any of the parties involved.
I will make it up to the affected party as soon as possible.

Wrong messages transmitted over should be clarified with me immediately.
Dismiss any negative thoughts; it is not worth thinking about.
It all just turned out to be a misunderstanding.

To whichever parties involved, I apologize for the misunderstandings caused. My blog is meant to be about what I feel, and as such I have realised my mistakes, reading over it.
Whatever that is posted here, you shouldn't act upon it.
These words are just merely my thoughts and feelings.

To anybody that felt insulted or angry, once again, I apologize. I did not think think things through.

In no way possible did I have an ulterior motive.
I was just merely blogging away my anger, and I've learnt that some things shouldn't be posted up, without thinking through.

I should have been more tactful and more "mature".

The problem has already been settled.

I will make up for the mistakes that I've caused, and definitely will improve myself to the best of my abilities.

Once again, I apologize for any mistakes caused.

Personal Pandora's Box

2008-02-26T11:06:00.002+08:00

Hmm.
Born under the star of Gemini, I have dual personalities.
That's what most astrologers say.

I distinctly remember them now.

The way I was back then.
The way I am now.

Only my close buddies would have seen the best of me.
Acquaintances would probably have seen the 2 sides of me I guess.

Acquaintances would include classmates.
Let's face it, how many of my classmates even know me well?
My hobbies?
Background?
How about even my favourite food?

Needless to say, it's not their fault that they don't know me well.
They never did ask, anyway.

And I chose to be alone, anyway.

"Who needs people in the world."
"I can do it on my own."
"I can stand on my own."
"I don't need others to pull me up."
"I can make it on my own."
"What a bother. I'd rather do this myself."
"... So troublesome. I'll be fine on my own."

Those were the thoughts that often ran through my mind.
Was only me in there.
I could say back then: "Why waste my time and effort thinking about others?"
But look at me now.
It's always others before self.
Contradictory to my other self, I'd say.

Now when I look at myself, I still can't choose to either be thankful that I'm different, or to say that it's just sad I turned out this way. I'm definitely having an inner battle, struggling with which side to turn to.

Ever felt something else deep down inside of you?
Ever felt as if there was another you screaming out, tearing away in its own inner walls of imprisonment?

Ever felt like releasing it?

Tempted to just rip off the seal that keeps the "thing" from escaping and manifesting you.

"I now stare at the prison doors, of which, keep me away from dark unforeseen lairs of the unknown."

Whether or not you change, it's up to you; a friend once said.
Whether or not I can control the change, is dependent of the surroundings, my friend.
Some things are meant to be in your control.
Some are not.

For any reason, I decided to be the idiot and change my fate; my path.
Fighting against all which is "morally and theoretically sane, (even when the future results show unfavourable results) ", trying to fight a war to pave my own path.
Fighting losing wars half my whole life.
For most people, when they foresee that, they choose to move a different path.

I, for one, admit I am an analyst of things.
I analyse many things before I decide to do them.
Even when the odds are against me, I choose to stand firm.
I wonder, when will it ever be possible for me to just bend down and sway with the wind, for once?
Follow the flow of the river?
I wonder, how could I ever be like that?
I wonder, is it even possible for someone like me?

I am screaming insanity while I'm still seem sane.
I scream as hard as I can while my mouth is shut.

I fear that I may have opened my own personal Pandora's Box.

2008-02-25T09:35:00.002+08:00

Michael Bublé - Lost
Album: Call Me Irresponsible

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writting that was on the wall
If I don't knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow had turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
And, babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
And, babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

***********************************

What is Love, really?

2008-02-20T11:35:00.003+08:00

As I sit, wandering deep into thoughts and feelings, there seems nothing that grabs my attention at all.

I am honestly, truly sick, mentally tortured and utterly disgusted by the words called emotions and feelings. Nothing interests me.

Nothing but one.
Only one.

I fucking cannot understand why is this the only emotion that I cannot shackle and wrestle it down to the deepest lairs of nothingness at all.

To have this feeling locked away for me would be blissful.

What is love, actually?
What is love, really?

I ask myself that.

Why do we give our hearts away to that someone, knowing that they can break it?

But knowing that, why do we seem to trust them not to break it?
What does it even mean by giving away our heart?

Even so, I still wonder, whilst I still can never fathom the meaning of love, why do people put so much heart and soul into it?

Why does someone wait, and wait for that special someone, even if it would take them almost their whole life just to hear the words "I love you" to come out from their mouths?

Why would someone wait for just that special moment to be with that person who he or she desires the most?
Just to have them in your arms?
Are you really willing to go that far just for that?
Even if the devil tempted you and wanted to take your lover's life, you would even sacrifice yourself instead?

Someone asked me once: "Would you take a bullet for her?"
My answer?
"No. I won't take a bullet for her. What good would I be if I took only a bullet for her? I'd take the second, and every single bullet that'll come her way."

As much as there are people willing to give it their all for that special someone, there are the other group of people.

Claims of getting shattered badly into pieces, even the pieces breaking into smaller pieces by that someone.
Claims of being unable to recover.

Why do they still pick their shattered "hearts" and soul, but still move onward and seek another?

Shouldn't your love for someone be only for that someone?

Is it something really unexplainable?

Is it that sensation of feeling cared for, knowing that you're always on someone's mind?
Is it the feeling of anxiousness, always looking at your handphone, always waiting for the sms to come?
Is it the warm fuzzy feeling of waking up, and staring at your phone, knowing your sweetheart has sent you a greeting like good morning, just like how he does every morning?
Is it that heart throbbing moment of whenever you meet your loved one?
The 1001 questions like:
"How do I look?"
"What will he/she think of this?"
"What should I do to please him/her?"
Is it the unfathomable moment of ecstacy when you'd hear your sweetheart's voice over the phone?
Is it the feeling of comfort, of always being in his or her arms?
Or is it simply just for comfort, knowing that their shoulders will always be there for you?
Perhaps the feeling of being kissed not only on the lips, but on the forehead as well?
The excitement of when your fingers are interlocked with each other?

If all the above is truly what you could call a "description" of what love sounds or seems like, I could gladly dispel this stupid retarded thought in my head and just call it the "World's biggest lie."

Unfortunately, I still can't find reason enough for me to void and null this feeling yet.

You might be asking.
Why lie?

Are you sure it would last?

Even if one side wanted to make it last, what about the other?
It takes 2 hands to clap, but one hand is all it takes to prevent the clapping from happening.

Yes, I bloody want to be the way I was.
I slowly am turning back.
And I am more than happy that I am turning this way once more.

Who needs emotions in the world, if all it does is just hinder your productivity and effeciency?
Who needs feelings, if all it does is just blur that straight line path in front of you into a horror of labyrinths?

Emotions are like a huge gaping hole.
The more you run from it, the bigger it grows.
The edges, getting bigger, yawning at the edges of your heels, as you run away from it.

You climb out of the hole that you were in, and you fall right back into another one.
A much more deeper hole.
And you sink into it deeper this time.

So why do you even run in the first place if you already know that you'll eventually fall in?
Or is there even a way to prevent yourself from falling in?

I, for one, intend to halt all these unnecessary feelings and emotions.

Cause the question rings in my head sometimes...
Perhaps, even after all this, I still perhaps still do love her...
(It's just a question, not reffering to anyone in specific.)
Do I really?

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

Hear, hear, one and all.
365 days we spend in a year.
Revolving 360 degrees around the sun.
One special day comes along
Just like the day you stole my heart.
On this day, we celebrate our love once more.
The same way we did, when we truly said
"I Love You" to each other.
I'll love you the same way I did
The very first day I said "I Love You".
Perhaps not the same,
But alas, even more.
Winds whispering promises of tomorrow,
With you, there are no tomorrows full of sorrow,
For with you, only the sparkle in your eyes
And the rush of blood through my veins
Remind me of the special bond we share.

To my unknown Valentine,
Happy Valentine's Day.

This post is meant to be random.
No connection to whatever or anything.

So yeah, don't think too much!
^^

Short Random Post.

2008-02-12T22:36:00.000+08:00

Okay.
Just for the damn bloody record.
I am not seeing anybody.

Gosh...
You people...

Seriously.
-_-"

Yeeeeeesh.

Good Morning?

2008-02-07T09:07:00.000+08:00

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!
Gong Xi Fa Cai!

*Lion Dance music in background*

Oh okay.
Good morning all.
Finally caught Adlin online.
Was always like, when I'm online, she's offline.
When she's online, I'm offline.
-.-

My past days were rather okay...
Just that I fixed up my handphone, so it's back online! ^^
Glad to hear Weishan's grandpa was discharged from hospital yesterday; hope he's well now.

Okay, on a lighter note, I fixed my wrecked electric guitar, and it's working perfectly fine!
Why wrecked you ask? Err, call it losing your sanity for a few seconds lol. I was playing it...
Then string snapped (Yet again -.-) and I got frustrated.

The "Hidden Evil" within me went nuts, and the guitar flew for over 100 metres out of the window.

Okay lol, not 100 meters, not out of the window. But on the bed.
Somehow it banged against the wall...
T_T

Sadness lah.

But it's all okay now! It's all ooookay! ^^

Strangely enough...

2008-02-04T13:21:00.000+08:00

あなたがいなくて寂しい気持ちになりました。

Don't ask me why. I don't know either.

Someday I hope I'll find the answer.
For those of you who wanted to know about what happened last night, I can't post it up here.
Though, if you ask me personally, I'll answer it there and then.

Oh and before I forget, I will NOT be contactable on HP until further notice.
If need be reach me via emails or just tag here.

Till next time.

Dreams of Her...

2008-02-03T10:47:00.000+08:00

I woke up today having mixed feelings.
Had a rather nice dream.
But when reality strikes back...
It's really sucky...
When I thought about the dream, I ended up bursting into tears.
Cried so hard, cried so much.
Still am tearing as I type this.

Why did it have to be like this?

I really wonder why.

Random Picture Post

2008-01-31T12:57:00.001+08:00

Here's a rather random picture of me and AuburnShot (a.k.a Kid) on the roof.

It is an epic batte which lasted only 2 seconds in the human world, but lasted over 5 minutes in the other dimension.

Yes, we moved that fast.

*GASP*

Here's the only photo and evidence left of the fight.

Click on it to see the full view!

Okay lah, actually I was just bored, and thought I could just edit a photo.

This happened to be a nice photo, so I added the effects in!

Life's been A-OK for me so far!

So no worries!

Chill out people!

And dudes and dudettes (you know who you are), regarding your question, some things are best kept as secrets.

Confusion...

2008-01-30T08:43:00.000+08:00

To a certain someone who might be reading this, you might feel a little weird reading this entry.
I'm just finally letting things off my chest, so don't worry about it.
Sorry in advance if it may make you feel weird or whatsoever...
But I doubt it's anything bad, really.

Interesting eh, what parents can think of?
Don't doubt your parents when they say that they know what you feel! =P

Frustration getting the better of me nowadays...
Fighting so hard to keep the thoughts off my mind...
I don't believe it, how back then during the time my heart took control of me, instead of my mind...
I shall let the mind control me from now on, like how it always used to.

Think logic, Shah, LOGIC!

Often, people say if you follow your heart, it will lead you to happiness.
Didn't you know? There's a condition that needs to be fulfilled before you can just simply follow your heart.
Here's the thing they didn't say about it:
"Only follow your heart when the mind has nothing to think of, and if your mind really is blank and empty."

In other words, when the mind itself tells you that it has nothing to think of, and can't do much, rather than being stuck in wherever you are, it's better to at least move. For that, you will eventually follow what your heart says, cause you'd have no choice at all. I mean, the mind can't say what to do either right?

When your mind is telling you otherwise, STOP and THINK, instead of blindly following what your heart tells you.

I learnt that the hard way.

A few days, (I'd probably say a week back) mom came over and had a talk to me, and we had a heart to heart talk about how life has been going for me so far. She seemed sad to hear about it, but as much as we knew each other, I knew I had her character traits; and so did she. She helped me realise many things that I would have found out eventually too.

I'll admit it here and only here.

It's been a lousy start to the year. Things have been falling apart here and there, and nothing new has been picked up yet. About my feelings towards a certain someone, I doubt that it can ever change, but at the very least, it can be controlled. And it won't grow unless if it has a reason to do so. Let's just leave it at that for now shall we? I'm going numb; even my mom can feel it. She got concerned and asked me about what actually happened, so I told her everything.

It may sound as if my mom's trying her best to make me feel better, but trust me, when we have talks like these, her aim will always be to wake me up by slapping me with nothing but the harsh truth.

Thanks ma, I love you lots!
=D

This was what mom said which struck me and woke me up.
**Edit: Okay, honestly, I'm having doubts on whether I should post up what my mom said...
But heck, this is my blog anyway.
-_-"
I'd prefer to be tactful and mindful. =)

Those words gave me a reality check, or rather, a hard slap in the face; I am thankful that I finally see that I'm still the author of the "Book of my Life". The only difference? I can't control the other "characters" in the book. It's like a while ago I thought I was chained; but after mom said those words, it gave me a new strength, something that I thought was unobtainable.

As for hopes, as usual, I still do have a little bit of hope left. (Can't live without hopes and dreams now, can I?)
Feelings? Ah yes, I still do have it in me.
What kind of feelings, you may ask..
Feelings towards her? (Don't deny it, I know almost everyone who reads my blog would think of this immediately.)
Feelings of being back to normal?
If you know me well, you'll know what it is I am talking about. =P (Let's see if you do...)
I'm beginning to feel human and normal once more.
No more stoning or becoming the "Ironheart" I once was.

Let's look on forward now, with great hopes and smiles!
Embrace whatever that comes along the way!

With the end of this post, comes the end of reminiscing the past.
I doubt you'll ever see me posting stuff like this about my past ever again.
Time to forge a new path ahead.

A fresh new start awaits us all...
A clean new slate with a new chapter waiting to be written...
Will the characters from the previous chapter be in this new chapter?
Will they play new roles now?
(Damn, I sound like the narrator from Heroes...)

I finally get the answer.

2008-01-29T11:57:00.000+08:00

Thanks to a certain someone, I finally found out what I've been wanting to know all along this while. That someone could have been wrong, maybe cause it didn't come from her itself, it was based on what that person found out back then, and the person thinks that it didn't change at all.
Oh well, I guess I'll have to settle with just this for now.

I guess things took a turn this way for the better?
At least it's the for the better on her side.
I guess it's the friendship that ought to be treasured very much.

My friend tells me: I deserve to know and hear it someday; I'm sure the day will come.
Or at least I hope it will come.
But I don't know if I would want to know, if the day truly comes.
Thanks to a certain someone, for being there for me to share your time, wisdom and for the listening ear, although we're oceans apart.

Another chapter comes to a close in the book of my life.
I can't say if I'm glad or sad regarding the final paragraphs of this chapter, but I do believe that it's time to end it.
Rather tiring for the author to keep on writing and prolong-ing a chapter in a book you know?
=P

I'm not thinking too much, don't worry...
I'll just take things as they come.
If things turn out better, then good lor!
Come what may, accept it with grace.
=)

And hey, I'm alright. Really I am...
Hahaha...

Since some of you, instead of tagging on my board, came to me personally to tell me to post up the song, here it is then.

Enjoy it!
=)

Unrequited Love.
Written by: Shah

I want you to love me, but I don't know if you will.
I wander around and repeat this to myself.
"I really want to know the answer, eventhough I'm scared of getting hurt."
But I'll accept it eventually.

Do you love me?
Or do you not love me?
I don't care what the answer is; I just need to know.
No matter how badly I desire to be with you,
No matter what the answer is,
There are many unchangeable things in the world,
And my love for you is unchangeable,
And can never be stopped by anyone.

As days turn to nights,
I long to tell you,
That I love you so,
But the fear still remains, the question still in my head,
"I want you to love me but I don't know if you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself.
"I really want to know the answer, eventhough I'm scared of getting hurt."
But I'll accept it eventually.

Even so, I want you to know,
Even if I pass from your heart tomorrow,
Surely my love will remain unchanged.
I will walk alongside you, the future full of uncertainties,
And smile from where I can see you clearly,
Catch you when you fall, help you get up once more,
But when you turn around would you see me there?
The one who has always been there?

Putting my feelings into words is so scary,
But I'll have to face the truth eventually.
As we reminisce and look back,
The happiness in our lives that we chance upon can't be expressed in words.
That's why we can only smile and laugh about it.
Even if the past hurt and cut me so deeply,
All I can do is stay silent and cry to myself.
Put back the pieces back together slowly, but surely.
I'll smile to you as if nothing happened,
For your smile brings forth my smile,
And I'll look up and get stronger someday.

Cause deep down I know,
I'm sure,
Even if your feelings grow distant tomorrow,
Surely my heart will remain unchanged.
Even I pass from your heart tomorrow,
Surely my love will remain unchanged.

As I look at the road I'd travelled and the path ahead,
My eyes were filled with cowardice.
I wanted to look into your eyes; but I was afraid I wouldn't be honest.
I didn't want to know that you didn't love me,
And live the rest of my days all alone.
From that day on, I kept on loving you trying to not get hurt.

As days turn to nights, I long to tell you,
That I love you so,
But the fear still remains, the question still in my head,
"I want you to love me but I don't know if you will."
I wander around as I repeat this to myself.
"I really want to know the answer, even though I'm scared of getting hurt."

I'll say "I love you" to the one I love.
Even if my feelings aren't returned, at least,
I can say "I love you" to the one I love,
And that's the most beautiful thing in the world.
From that day on, I kept on loving you without getting hurt.

*End of Song*

Yeap, that song sure sounds sad.
I have to tell you readers again, I am okay lol...
Don't come up to me and try to "cheer me up" cause I think I'm okay!
Cheers people!
=)

Random Blogthings.

2008-01-27T10:47:00.000+08:00

The Hidden Meaning of your name is...

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Interesting, isn't it?
It's just some random BlogThing stuff that I came across from another friend's blog.
Yesterday, I went out with Zul, his girl and Marlina. It sure feels "nostalgic" to see your primary school friends to get together, especially since Zul, me and his girl were from the same primary school. Marlina was Zul's secondary school friend.

Went bowling, and yeah. It's been a few years since I last played a game, so yeah. It was rather bad hahaha!

Went for a movie called "The House".
I personally didn't find it scary, though the two girls were screaming their heads off... lol.
The moment I walked into the cinema, immediately something came over me...
No, wasn't the spirits from the movie.
Something else hahaha... It doesn't have to be mentioned here..

You guys know?
I think I'm starting to miss someone.
...And they say it's normal.

Hope this is my last emo post...

2008-01-24T10:58:00.000+08:00

This will be my last emotional post I guess.
So bear with the heavy emo content!
(like alcohol 20% content lol, one bottle you'll go drunk... And no, I don't drink. Just using that as an example. Kidney failure too if you drink too much you know? =O)
I've given it many centuries of thoughts, and many light-years of brainstorming.

I'll "take five" for now.
Go figure what that means. =P
The next post from me may not be so tactful, mind you, so if any of you feel the pinch or feel something else while reading it, I apologize right here, right now.

I love this line:
"Just keep on going, even if you're blindfolded, just smash through while going on ahead. You have the strength, use it!"

Why my last "emotional" post you ask?
Like I said, I've thought about the issue(s) that's been bothering me for quite some time.
From there, I had 2 choices, mainly they were:

"Don't know, don't care, let it pass and don't do anything."
or
"Don't know, wait and see, then react."

While many may think the second one is more rational, but it's not like that with the questions that I have and the situation that I'm dealing with...
The first one seems equally "rational" when paired up with the second choice.
Why, you ask?
Here's a simple analogy.
If you've been for an injection the first time, it may hurt a little / a lot.
But if you've been for injections countless of times, you won't even feel the pain anymore.

Yes, I've become so numb.
I realise that I am turning cold and turning to stone now, but I can't allow that to happen.
Unfortunately it is happening.

Could someone please un-numb me?
I wonder.

Yes Zul, it is cliche. Very much.
But we both know what I'm truly feeling.
I highly doubt it'll ever change.
And even you know that's somehow true.

Oh, and for those of you who think that I still can't move on, it's not that.
Let's put it this way; I just like to take glances back at the path I once walked; that's all.
I'm a sentimental person who treasures things and people and memories, no matter how short the good ones were.
It may sound like I've moved on and changed...
But I guess some things really didn't and won't change at all...

I still do have hopes, but just like how it has been with me and having hopes, I don't really know what can happen.
I guess since I'm numbing up, I still can take a blow or 2 right now.

Before I sign off, let me, end with these 4 lines.
This short poem was written somewhere back last year, in which, I included it with one of my song lyrics.

Even if your feelings grow distant tomorrow,
Surely my heart will remain unchanged.
Even I pass from your heart tomorrow,
Surely my love will remain unchanged.

I really hope this will be the last "heavy emotional" post from me.
And wondering about which choice I selected?

I chose "Don't know, wait and see, then react."

Have fun and thanks for reading this super long entry.